Thursday, December 2, 2010

I HAD A GOOD DAY

... but, for a change, there is no heat in my apartment and I am cold. Even have all the windows closed which is most unusual.

I worked today. (Not for money, of course.) I made good progress. (Am also currently making some turkey soup with the last of the leftovers, thanks Missy and Tim).

But I haven't read much or thought much, much  less done any yoga (although I did correspond with my yoga teacher).

I'm going to expand my scope, here, in this blog, a bit.

I struggle quite a bit with depression. I could wander off into alcoholism, and have too many times had too much. I was upset last evening and had access to my drug of choice, red wine. There was only one glass left in the bottle this morning.

As I made my coffee, I gazed at the remaining wine and thought about how good it would taste this evening. Then, my good self piped up and reminded me that I didn't really want to drink. I and I stood there contemplating the drinking and the non-drinking.

And then I grabbed the bottle and poured the remainder into a skillet of onions that were caramelizing.

I didn't give in. I didn't even wait until later to make a decision and to have the chance to re-negotiate with myself. Instead, I took care of myself. Of what I really want, which is to not drink very much and certainly not every day.

That felt like a small victory. I have fallen off my "wagons" (or not gotten on them), but I can see a change in my attitude and behavior. The taking-care-of-me self is gaining power. And just because I struggle and stumble, and even if I do fall, I can just start again.

Now, for a dark chocolate-covered salted caramel.

2 comments:

  1. This was a good day. Especially when you have the consciousness to be good to yourself for all your small steps. We all stumble -- it is about picking yourself up and starting again -- fresh. And FORGIVENESS!

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  2. There is a lot of beauty in that hope and reality of starting again ;)

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