17 of 100
May 24th
It is hard to make plans to have fun when you would rather disappear into the earth. The depression continues, yet I am soldiering on figuring out who I can see when. As far as I can tell, the Adderall isn't touching this morass of fear, anxiety, disaffection, with a smattering of despair. At least the sky has begun to clear up a bit. I will head for the yard to get the rest of my plants in the ground and perhaps soak up some rays.
August 7
"And then it is another day and another and another, but I will not go on about this because no doubt you too have experienced time."
— Jenny Offill, Weather
And there you have it. Time has passed. Not so sure that much of clear import has happened. Of course, so much is in the small moments and nuances, as my dear teacher Sonia like to remind me.
"... the images of a moment, bathed in a light that is theirs alone ..."
— Annie Ernaux, The Years
That's kind of interesting, making the light of recent events an organizing principle of the last few months.
During April, May, and a lot of June here in LA, the light was always damn grey. Not very conducive to cheeriness for those of us who need some of the inspiration of brightness to orient themselves to even being alive, facing another of those "another days." Of course, when I returned two weeks ago, it was punishingly, disorientingly hot. The goddesses of kindness have smiled upon us, giving us just a bit of reasonable respite so the will to live can regenerate.
It's been a tough. year, all in all. There haven't been any major tragedies, and the bumps have been ones that are recoverable, more uncomfortable, expensive, and upsetting to the general flow than terribly painful things. I had several bouts of pretty severe depression, but these ended up being due to outside and mangeable forces for the most part: too many narcotics (for my surgery), and other ...
August 20
Tropical Storm Hilary continues to rain here in the LA flatlands. Nina has been by my side all day, mostly in bed with me, where I spent the majority of the day, studying French, eating pistachios, and watching a movie. One of my recent resolutions was to try to watch at least one movie a week, as I have rarely been doing recently. I don't know why I chose to watch the flick that I did
September 12
... and now I have no idea what that film was.
Been some tough times for me. I hate hot weather, and although this has been a milder summer, even when it cools out, it take a bit to rev up into actual life and action and then it just might get crushingly hot and you are stuck reeling and hiding, productivity a long ways away.
Tonight, however, tonight. I felt fall in the air. It's still warm and unusually humid for LA, so it feels even warmer. But as I stepped out in the darkening skyscape after yoga, I could feel the underpinning of actual chill and the promise of autumn.
Of course, the other harbinger of autumn is the Pumpkin Spice Lifestyle that is on display at every chain store we might go to. Someone should write a Pumpkin Spice Season musical. I like pumpkin pie well enough, but I sure disapprove of having it (or much of anything else) shoved down my throat. I think I began to see Halloween costumes in Costco in July, for sure by August. No surprise, you know me by now, but this adds to my consumerism agita.
It's all the same moment. Time has flattened out. Christmas is 4th of July adjacent in our marketing cycles. And there always has to be some holiday, some event to sell us on. At this point, the quotidienne everydayness is practically something to celebrate. Who cares about any cycles but the marketing cycles, that which leads us. And where is the organized consumerist religion? I know, there are all those prosperity gospels out there ... and maybe we are close with our knee-numbing money-sucking-joy-killing worship of wealth and big business. There is some still disingenuous there. We need to outrightly pray to Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates, Elon Musk, the murderous Sackler family, and others I likely know nothing about.
Oh yes oh yes oh yes ... another petty puny tirade, when I just wanted to note the coming of Fall.
As summer dies down, my garden is still filled with Monarchs and Swallowtails. They love the milkweed, bougainvillea, and the fennel. When the windows by my desk are open, I get at least two Monarchs a day getting stuck. I even bought a butterfly net so that I could more safely urge them on their way.
I had a terrible night last night, much insomnia I finally found some music that could soothe me out and own, but it must have been around 3 before I fell into a deep sleep. All the kitties are in and Janet has crashed so perhaps I should do the same.
Thinking of you, even when I don't have the wherewithall to post.
