JUST GET UP AND DO IT AGAIN

November 23rd

Okay, this will be interesting. I am writing this, for the first time on my iPad keyboard that I just bought so that I wouldn’t have to haul around my MacBook Pro. I am writing from my eldest brother’s house in Oakland. He’s had Juna, his 15-month old granddaughter here. Now, he has his 95-year-old mother here, he has to put up a security gate for Janet just like he does for Juna. Janet is sleeping on the upper level where the bathroom is. There is something so “beginning and end cycle” about all of this. Poignant.

'Twas a long drive to get here. I considered not even coming as I finally had some energy to straighten up the house. I left it a mess for our beloved cat sitter, Ashley.  (This keyboard is going to take some getting used to, but I realized I won’t even post this until I get back as I don’t have my mailing lists on this device.)

On the way up here, on hideous I-5, we stopped in Buttonwillow for something like sustenance and gasoline. Food options being quite limited, we tried McDonald’s. Horrible. But I remembered that I was once driving this road with my brother David and we stopped at this very McDonald’s where I ran into an old friend from college, totally randomly, there in the middle of the San Joaquin Valley. Jose and I took Portuguese together. He tutored me in Portuguese, I tutored him in English. Poor bastard had to read Tristram Shandy for a class, not easy for those of us for whom English is our first language.  

November 30th

Back in LA since Saturday evening. Thanksgiving was really fun as I had great tablemates and the excellent food just made it better. Janet enjoyed meeting Juna and Kasia. We all had a big walk on Friday, although Janet was in a wheelchair and Juna was mostly in her stroller. We walked in a part of Alameda that I didn't know existed, so that was cool. 

Driving I-5 is really a challenge and very stressful. There is so much jockeying and lane changing, which was not made any better by the amount of traffic. I am sure I would have purposely caused an accident had we driven down on Sunday. I don't do heavy traffic well anymore. I now have to adjust my driving to not scheme to immediately get in front of slower cars and change lanes all the time while driving at 80mph.

The cats were all fine and glad to see us. They are making the transition to being winter kitties which means more lap sitting and not having to walk the streets calling them in after dark. By the time it starts getting dark, they are ready for dinner and then (mostly) settling down or lap sitting. This is good. 

On the other hand, I am experiencing the let down. I was sick pretty much the whole week after I got back and still feel the very tail end of the virus or whatever it was. Feeling physically bad as well as emotionally adrift was not all helped by the suicide of a friend of a dear friend pretty much as soon as I got back. Sadness and stress all around.

This person had considerable physical, emotional, and mental problems such that she just could not find a purchase onto well-being. Those of us who have some amount of self-awareness and self-discipline happily (or not) benefit from the doctors and other mental health workers we have been fortunate enough to find. It's an ongoing struggle, but we try to adhere to (most of) their recommendations to stay on some kind of vaguely even keel.

I admit to some very dark thoughts and places lately. As is well-documented in these pages, there is little in this part of my life, this geographical location, to comfort and sustain me. My connection to the state of New York and my many loved ones there makes the comparison to life here a sharp and often sad one. 

However, again I will try to find some comfort and sustenance here. I have a new section of yoga class I am teaching tomorrow. Saturday, I can go back to my Covid yoga class and maybe remember something about a practice. Janet is doing pretty well, having gone back to dominoes today for the first time in 5 weeks. The kitties are excellent if too multitudinous. 

Just get up and do it again.

NOT SO HAPPY

 “We become conservative if we’re still trying to preserve the mythologies of our youth.”

— Philip Rodriguez

“The worst thing is she’s not at all depraved by nature. Just ignorant. And vain. And right now that happens to be fashionable.

— Sigrid Undset, Jenny, 1911

I’ve been sick with a post-trip kind of virus. I have kind of rallied today, enough to think Janet and I should drive up to Oakland tomorrow to visit with the extended family. Of course, Janet doesn’t really want to go, but she never wants to be too far away from the kitty posse.  If I had had another couple of days of being functional, I would likely be up for it as I do want to see and be with the whole family. I just feel bad leaving the catsitter with the chaos that is my house right now.

I wasn’t able to anything last week. I never even got all the way unpacked.

What I would like to do is stay here and hide. I have a new yoga class to get ready for on Tuesday. I have a newfound reason to downsize and move stuff along. I am tired. 

I admit to some post-New York letdown but we knew that would probably be coming. The weeklong virus made it worse. 

Also, on the Saturday after I returned, a close friend of a very close friend decided she had had enough on this astral plane and took herself out. L's passing was devastating for K who thought she should have been able to help. I was touched, but less so by the tragedy. But I can't say that I don't muse upon it myself. 

Being back in this part of the world does not delight me, notwithstanding a few folks, but this is so not my home anymore. I may end up getting to live here after my mother passes, but I am not the whole "me" here. 

Once I get back from Oakland and get a little rest, I need to muster my attention and energy to making my situation more palatable, more pleasant for my mom and myself. I have been appreciably more patient with her since I returned, but there is more to accomplish in that arena.

IT WILL ONLY BE A JOURNEY

I’ve been home a little over two days now. Last night’s post was written on the ‘plane on the way out. Somehow, I didn’t find the time or the mental space to sit down and write for the entire time I was there. I was so busy eating, drinking, relaxing, and reveling in the sweet sweet company of my friends, I was barely even thinking about anything more than what was the next stop or the next meal or the next bottle of wine (and there were many).

Now, Sunday, Nov. 14.

That's three days now. I am feeling a bit better and adjusting to the time as well. It's already 9:35 and I am not longing for bed yet. I haven't finished unpacking or washing clothes, but making progress.  The weather has been so hot it has been a bit of a shock from me, being a 30 degree difference from NYC. This is good for outside clothes drying, however, even if I don't have a lot of outdoor drying racks. Our dryer is broken and I can't decide whether to get this ancient one fixed or to look for a new one ... (maybe I should get this one fixed while I look for a new one?)

The heat hit me hard, coupled with jet lag, and a slight sore throat, causing me to lay low, in an unproductive way. 

My Town Hall yoga class is back on for December, which is not so very far away, so I need to turn some attention to that. As I haven't been practicing, I need to get back to the rhythm and groove. Visiting New York is rather like an out-of-body experience as contrasted with my days here in California. It was a solid 19 days of visiting, eating, drinking, cooking, and traveling on subways and trains. I am not back to practical eating yet, but I have stopped alcohol consumption and slowed way down on the cheese and carbohydrate consumption. I need to get back to going to the bicycle at the gym.

According to David, Janet did not have any incontinence issues while I was gone, or not that he noticed. I haven't seen any evidence in the three days I have been back, so perhaps that was a preview of things to come and not a new constant state. She does not seem markedly changed, if anything slightly more peppy. The time change had her going to bed extra extra early, then getting up in two hours, about 10-o'clock to ask for a sleeping aid. I suggested she watch more tv as she had gone to bed too soon.

Nina was so happy to see me that she woke me up about 8 or 9 times the first night I was here. She is still waking me up, but not as frequently. I can't say that I mind terribly. David spoiled them while he was here with more food than I generally give them. They loved him and, although he thinks there are too many (as do I), he enjoyed them. We Sybergs have different levels of cat indulgence and David was careful to not move any cats sleeping whether they discomfited him or no. I have no such prejudice unless they are sleeping on my lap.

Janet is off to bed, so perhaps I should wend my way to the front and batten down the hatches to get to sleep myself. Janet did not go to any dominoes games and just sat at home with David. I called the Domineers on Friday to see what they were up to, only to find that Joseph was having trouble getting his breath, so all festivities were off. Having not heard anything else, I think he is probably okay. I will call again tomorrow to see if I can't get her back into that routine.

THE WHITE HOTEL

when winter comes

adjust your voice to it

when the clock dies hide it

from the children

do not resist the urge to travel

it will only be a journey

and there is no arrival

but drive through the desert quickly

it is inhabited by those

in search of death

beside a gabardine sea you will find

the white hotel where bougainvillea

drips from the roof like blood

dim lights will be on in the hallway

a long moss carpet

flowing past a wilderness of doors

stairs crowded with unpredictable

lovers and assassins

in the bar new arrivals

celebrate reunions by throwing

their glasses into the fireplace

others just drop them on the floor

when anything falls down

in this hotel it lies there forever

all night they will sing old songs

when the shoe tree blooms

in the desert

and the ice plant melts by the sea

all night the water will rest

quietly in its blue tomb

at dawn when palm trees

wave their arms as they do at the slightest

change in plans you will watch

the waves send up

fine contingents of water

each retreating without losing its courage

thousands of white truces

negotiated on the sand

and with your pulse beating for distance

your hair turning to salt

you will walk into the water

and say because of its great depth

the sea can forgive anything

but do not linger 

at the white hotel or soon you will learn

that memory is the only

kind of loss we ever know

— Richard Shelton, Selected Poems, 1969-1981, University of Pittsburgh Press, Pittsburgh, 1982

Louise and Erik's cat, Topper.

ON THE 'PLANE WAY BACK WHEN

October 23rd

Yes, I can still type, although not sure about whether I can write or not. 

I am finally on the damn ‘plane on my way to NYC and environs. I think I started my vacation when I ordered too much Thai food last night. It was too hot for both Janet and David and I did have some intense discussions with my GI tract but damn it was good.

I just found my car key in my bag, here at however many thousand feet. I got a text from Patrick (who drove me in my car) that he needed the key but then I got a message that said “Nevermind” so I will sit here for hours feeling like an asshole for not handing David the key. He did have plenty of time to keep calling me and he didn’t so I guess everything is okay. 

The weeks leading up to my departure have been intense for me. I found myself fluctuating between joy, terror, insecurity, fear, and almost unbearable anticipation. I couldn’t focus enough to write. And I brought this damn MacBook Pro with me so that I could write my blog and I damn well better. 

Other than my anxiety about the mystery of Patrick and David, and how they got home, I am feeling quite calm. Having double N95 masks is kind of uncomfortable and we are hours away from release on that count. Although I guess I can take it off to eat. I am quite hungry. Well, I see that Patrick left me a VM telling me that they were able to drive because the car was running when I got out. I could throw up. But all is sanguine at the moment.

I kind of want to watch the monitor and do some needlepoint, but I am far from my finished my re-reading of Tana French’s In the Woods which is the current bookgroup choice. 

Having the ear buds in is extra uncomfortable with a double mask, just saying.

But hey! I have a whole row to myself, which is nice. 

Janet’s continence is failing, particularly when she gets out of bed in the morning. Yesterday, she evidently dropped feces when she stood up, stepped in it, didn’t notice and walked around the house. We both cleaned it up, and I certainly didn’t say anything but I cannot imagine how that must feel. To know you are losing control and, at 94.75 years, that the end is hotly nearing. This morning there was urine from her bedside all the way to the bathroom. She does alright in the day time, but it is time for nighttime diapers. 

Too add to all the stress of leaving and not having gotten everything done, I didn’t check when David’s flight got in only to find it had been delayed five hours. So that was another monkey wrench. We were supposed to drive around some to give him a chance to orient. Go over procedures. DIdn’t have time for that or mental bandwidth as the day was spent being a bit sad about Janet and the undropped shoe of whether David would actually make it and what would we do if he didn’t.

The cats seemed to know that I was leaving. Fox was practically stuck to me. He rather tried to get into my suitcase, but, as usual, it was too full for another ten pounds. I always have things I have collected for people, which was my wont. Now that I don’t frequent thrift stores nearly as much, my piles of things are dwindling.

Back in 1978 or ’79, my (turned out to be) bff Martha brought me a beautiful hand-thrown mixing bowl from Vermont where she first went to college. Her oldest daughter just got married, so, although I don’t really want to part with it, downsizing is the current name of the game so I decided to bring it with me and re-gift it to A. Hopefully, I will have far less on the return trip, but there will always be this damn laptop. (I don’t really damn it, but it is heavy.

The mixed emotions about the trip were mostly about me. First of all, I haven’t done very much in the last two and a half years. I haven’t even read that much. So I feel as if I don’t have a nice store of anecdotes and bon mots to toss off. I have gained weight and aged, so that makes me a bit anxious. But mostly I am afraid of how much I will feel. Getting seen again. Getting stimulated again. Is is all heady. Having, like a lot of people, I know, in some seclusion, I am greatly under emotionally stimulated, visually stimulated. So that unknown was threatening and exciting. I am more sanguine now. 

I wasn’t going to drink on the plane as I don’t like to drink in daylight hours, and hell, until I went into slow motion internal meltdown mode, I wasn’t drinking at all. But hey, I am on vacation and will have hours to sober up again, I got some sauvignon blanc. Meanwhile, it lets me take off my mask for awhile. The plane is only about half full, too.

I think I have a good start here, so I am going to drink.