Monday, October 31, 2011

THE FAIRY GODMOTHER TRAP

Could it be that my good mood is finally eroding? I hope not, I hope that I am just tired and that I will wake up ready for the fight again. I woke up before my alarm went off this morning at the respectable hour of 7:30 am. After some drowsing, I got up to get cracking.

I am still examining what put me off track and pissed me off. I have a bit of a "fairy godmother" problem. No, I don't have one, although DZ has blessed with some special job karma from time to time. I do like to help others. That can lead to relationships that don't benefit me as much as I think they should. Having not negotiated that upfront, that too can lead to complications when I feel as if I am owed something. Or that I am more committed than I want to be. Or that I feel trapped.

What makes a Fairy Godmother in terms of an archetype?
The Fairy Godmother and Fairy Godfather archetypes are closely related to the Angel archetype in that they generally have loving, nurturing qualities and a tendency to help those in need, either anonymously or with no expectation of any return.  While their natures can be maternal, they don’t necessarily have children of their own but often serve as foster parents or guides to others.  Some other tell-tale characteristics are:
  • Enjoy throwing parties, dressing up and helping others to have a good time
  • Provide make-overs and ways people can feel better about themselves
  • They can see the potential in something or someone and can help bring that to life
  • Excellent gift-givers (and many times anonymously)
  • Adopts or otherwise takes on a protégé (or several)
  • Has unbridled support of one’s growth and achievement
  • The FGM/FGF might grant a wish or two but nearly always teach how we have magic of our own
  • The ability to see the best in someone but also administer a stern word or two if necessary
  • Tends to be smart, knowing, wise and slightly aloof
  • Often portrayed as eccentric or quirky if not down right odd
As with any archetype, the expression is up to the individual, so not all of these characteristics will be the same person to person. (http://archetypist.com/2010/03/25/ofgm-original-fairy-godmother/)
In the at least one fairy tale, the fairy godmother gets mad when she aids a marriage and then doesn't get invited to the wedding. I should say so.

Gosh, and I was standing in the kitchen tonight thinking about the many times I have been in compromised living or financial situations (homeless and broke? not quite). That's just another thing to seek a pattern in, to muse upon.

Meanwhile, on a more positive note, Louise and I made good progress. This is hard stuff and we each have our challenges about promoting ourselves in the world. Hopefully, our combined efforts will be too formidible for the universe to ignore.

Halloween color.

Waldo?


Cosmo in a quieter moment.

Cosmo adds to the decor.



Sunday, October 30, 2011

SNOWY WEEKEND

Sunday Sunday, can't trust that day. I don't know I had a nice, if not wholly productive day. I watched the last couple of episode of The Walking Dead, knowing that it causes me nightmares. Seriously, I had to wake myself up from many nightmares last night. And yet, I could not prevent myself from consuming more episodes. Narrative junkie for sure.

I have barely been out of the house given the weather and my predilection for homebodyism. It is still slushy out there, and colder than I am entirely disposed toward. Weather notwithstanding, I am heading out tomorrow to continue my productive jam with Louise (yay!).

DD came by to see Emmylou today. We hadn't been able to catch up for awhile. Changes in regimes can be tough and she is in a difficult political situation. I have been in such strange circumstances meself and I know the unfairness and powerlessness.

And so a quiet weekend passes. Not enough progress but I did enjoy some relaxing time.


SNOW DAY FOR EMMYLOU!

I did start another post earlier today. But I just got absorbed with the snow and with watching The Walking Dead on DVD. Then John and I watched The Shining on IFC (Melinda is in Cincinnati for the holiday) . So, I am just going to leave you all with pictures of Emmylou seeing snow for the first time.

It is not writing but it is some attention to the practice. Emmy was quite amazed by the snow, running from the back window to the front to look at the movement in the sky. I tried to explain to her that, being a Norwegian Forest Cat, she should embrace the cold, but she was not convinced. 










Cooder saw no reason to interrupt her daily routine, and was happy to nest in the pillows.



Saturday, October 29, 2011

CARPE DIEM CLAW

What I need, what others need is a carpe diem pill! A morning dose of caffeine certainly helps but sheesh! in my case, I have to get out of bed, walk through the apartment, grind the beans, find the stovetop espresso maker blah blah blah ... and then wait. And then do it again, because the first cup I barely registers. And even coffee doesn't make me joyous and enthused about gettin' stuff done and movin' on up. And even inasmuch as I love coffee, the morning ritual drink is not as enticing as being surrounded in down and good sheets with a ticked tabby's fat belly up against your cheek and a silky striped kitteh's head asleep in your hand. That's like heroin to me, it cannot miss a vein.

Later that same day.

Wow. I just took a down-the-rabbit-hole kind of nap. Morpheus just grabbed me and took me far away. I slept for four hours solid. Many people would not call that a nap at all, but jeez maybe a whole night's sleep or something.

I'm going out for a drink with the Martha from Montreal who wandered up to Larry outside Flanagan's in Schroon Lake at 11:30 at night, needing a place to stay the night before she headed on down to Billyburg. Mom, Debee, and I had a rollicking dinner with her just before they went home. And now, about a month later, Martha heads back to Montreal and thence, I believe to New Zealand for two months. Details to follow.

No question that I am the "seeds and stems again" moment as I spent my last safety money. I had two traveller's checks from the last time I went abroad ... 1995, sadly ... that were my emergency funds. I went to Chase today to cover a small overdraft and get change so that I could sell at Iris' flea market in Queens on Sunday.

Now it is Saturday.

Jininey Xmas! I had such a great time with Martha, even if we did drink at the enemy bar across the street. Lovely lovely time.

Meanwhile, Emmy is climbing up my leg for attention, so I am afraid I will have to leave you to attend to her.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

DOES DO


Emmy has learned to sit in that weird way. It is so funny to see her get more catlike each day. I mean, I know she is a cat ... but it is still startles me. I think I see that wide-eyed skinny critter and yet here she is turning into a big ol' no-holds-barred kitteh.

I have been sitting, slightly chilly, at my desk most of the day. I guess I could look for warmer clothes.

I've been kind of irritable, even though Trader Joe's had plenty of Lime Popsicles today. Even though after driving around looking for a parking space at TJ's, I found one dead in front with 33 minutes on the meter. That should have been enough to change my mood. But no.

I do rail about the universe. I drive around trying how to make parking more sane. I had to speak sternly to myself so that I did not do anything rash and stupid in the rain. I wanted to lash and act out all over the place. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Life is hard. Deal with it, sister.


Well, coming off of my maintenance anti-depressants might be adding to it. I suppose I am not supposed to say such things in public where they can be held against me.

The good news tonight is that Pammie did not have to have her finger amputated. Yay!!! The doctor was able to put in some pins. This will prohibit her ability to bend the finger, but I will work in other ways. So I will be grateful to the universe for the grace given to Pammie who deserves it if anyone does.

I wasn't out enough, nor was I in a good enough mood to take any interesting pictures. Emmylou will have to do. She (and Cooder) does (do) for me.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

POPSICLES FOR GIN

I slept twelve hours or more last night. The sadness pressing me to unconsciousness. I woke up this morning surrounded by cat bellies, Cooder wrapped around my head, Emmylou curled around my hand.

I'm still all over the place and, of course, still right here at the old desk, having only ventured out today as far as Junior's Deli to get myself a Mash. Squirrelly, I am. Overly snyaptically challenged. Firing all over.

And in that random spirit, I will ask whether y'all have ever had the experience of pulling out an old album or CD, one you haven't listened to in years. Tossed on whatever player, the cavalier listener wanders off to whatever task the music was to be background for. But the music is insistent on being heard, really listened to. I'll bet you might have.

I cannot recall the last time I played Norma Waterson. The review in the link there BARELY touches on the magnificence of this recording. Okay okay. I admit I am prejudiced as RT is the lead player and is all over the recording. But Martin Carthy is Norma's husband, no slouch either, and he is equally evident. I just hear RT like Nipper listening to his master's voice.

Rich as 95% dark chocolate. Nourshing as a draft Guinness in Ireland. Heart-wrenching as The Wizard of Oz or Old Yellar. It just fills up your ears completely. Click here to download a taste.



Some wheels spinning, some progress. Slightly flirtatious with depression, but just a toe-in-and-a-toe-out-kind-of-a-thing. My friend's situation is always beneath the surface as I think of her in the hospital, afraid and wondering how it all came to pass. This is fucked-up, my friends. Fuck-up on top of fuck-up. Perfidy permeating a life and eroding it, chewing away at the structure.

Emmylou discovered yarn yesterday. And there is a lot of it around. She's guiltier than she looks in this photo.

I ate a lot of lime popsicles today.  Better than drinking a bottle of gin, I suppose.

In other news, I let another adult (Iris) into my house today. That is always hard for me. I am not sure she even noticed the messy parts, so enchanted was she with the cool stuff everywhere.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

DOWN TO THE BONE


No philosophy today either. I struggled with focus all day. Things were accomplished but I felt as if I were running or striving to stay ahead.

I'm making progress in the job hunt and all. I come up with a new idea for a movie or a tv show about every day, so the wheels there are turning.

But various friends of mine are having various problems. L who lost her 19-year old kitty last summer replaced him with two Java sparrows as her apartment does not allow cats or dogs. One of the birds flew away while she was cleaning the cage. Maybe not a tragedy, but another loss is another loss.

And a close friend who has a terribly compromised immune system is losing a finger due to a cut that would not heal (why did I write "feel" the first time and not even notice?). The infection got down to the bone. She's such a fighter and has a very difficult life. After all that, like so many of us, we have no one to take care of us. We aren't exactly alone, but we're not exactly cared for either.

So, I'll spare you the rest of the Barbara Bummer riffs and just go to bed.

Here's what I woke up to




Kind of scary, right? Speaking of scary, Halloween is everywhere.







Kent and Mary at the Double Windsor last night.


WAITING ON PHILOSOPHY

I had some higher and mightier things to write about today. I read. I contemplated. I thought about writing. And then I saw a long-time, never-met friend from my mixing site was in Brooklyn and somehow close to where I lived. I called up John, who had about retired for the evening, with the bait that another AOTM friend was in town. This was sufficiently enticing for him to get dressed and we went out to meet Kent and his g.f. Mary at the Double Windsor.


 A few years ago, shortly after John and Mel got married, Cliff and Helene came over from France.  We had a most outrageously fun time. Cliff and Helene were in town for four or five days and I think we hung out with them three or four times within that time. I met Cliff and Helene right when I was meeting with Scott and got hired at SEFX. In fact, we all went out to celebrate. I certainly need some employment mojo, so I could not pass up the chance to rekindle the AOTM magic.


Affinities run deep ... into your life they will creep ... to strangely paraphrase For What It's Worth. Kent and I had exchanged mixes and politics for a few years now. I had met two other folks from that website (Art of the Mix) and found them to be quite affable. So, I took a chance and so did John.


We walked in, I recognized Kent having snorkeled around his FB page, and the fun just took off.




I despair, from time to time, about being able to meet people and be spontaneous. I should remember this evening. We instantaneously began to wisecrack and chatter. Had it been a weekend evening, I am pretty sure we would still be out pounding it all down. Level heads prevailed, however, and we were able to walk away with our sobriety and dignity fairly intact.

Meanwhile, back at reality camp, I did make progress on creative outreach and even short-term job hunting. I met with my lunch crew (Ken, Charlie, and Louise).

The philosophy will have to wait.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

AM I DOWN TO SEEDS AND STEMS AGAIN, TOO?

So this is #363. The plan was a year of posting daily. I didn't quite make that, but I did okay. The question on the current table is whether or not to continue. And I suppose I need to review what I've done. No! It's not 363 postings as I have some drafts in there that were never posted.

But the anniversary will be here soon.

As the last few posts have reported, my Rhinebeck time with Louise was most productive. I look forward to more such days of working, lounging, cooking, and chatting. And the drive back this morning was spectacular ... not full Fall color, but stunning enough for these perennially West Coast eyes. I actually got up at 7:00 am, showered, and had coffee with Louise who had kindly risen to insure proper caffeination before driving. I had come up with another idea for a movie while showering and we did a good 20 minutes worth of work on still another project. We didn't get everything covered as it was. So that's good.


Emmylou was stressed by my being gone. Her is upper respiratory infection is back.  Sneezilla. Cooder, Emmylou, and I took a riduculous nap this afternoon, like four hours or something. (I hope I can sleep tonight. I'd best look for the ambien. I hadn't had a sleep that deep in ages.) Emmylou took a big step toward catdom today when she sat on my lap for several minutes just to have petting. She has been too much of a squirmudgeon previously. 








And so back to the salt mines of job hunting and the stresses of "down to seeds and stems" as the potheads used to say. Counting pennies, etc. My mood, energy, and hopefulness are up thanks to the weekend. I have one friend who keeps encouraging me to move back to Southern California, les texts:


Lui: The mierda is rattling down the chutes. Many must make decisions or decisions will be made for them. Not to sound dire, though I am, but SoCal may be your best bet for the end game.


Moi: Am I dying?


Lui: Absolutely not. But I am being honest as I am with many people in this quarter year. I don't know why. Maybe it is some sort of "truth telling" season. Look forward ten years and see where you want to be. Don't fake it and expect the fates are going to be kind to you. Hard as it is to say ... The streets are full of those who have.


Moi: Hmmm... more later.


Lui: And those people, Sally, look more and more like people like us. And in fact ... they are us. No fooling. They are us. And they don't get to have cats or books or anything they Fucking can't haul around in a dairy crate. No less smart than you or I [sic]. No less gifted in their time. Fucking terrifying. Window is closing, my Friend. Make plans for it. 

Sorry to be so elegiac but spent 30 minutes with a young friend of mine (39?40?) who will not last another week. I thought, holding her hand, of Miep. 

Shit, Sally, we are treading a thin vail here.

Harrowing.

Moi: Veil. Alarmism? Alarmistism? Darlin', I have no intention or plans to leave ...

To be continued? I just don't see how moving back to Southern California, at least right now, would be either a step forward or any easier than hanging on here ... 


Cosmo saw me off to bed last night. That or he though I might try to do something to Erik and Louise. He sat in my doorway. Actually, he probably wondered where the official occupant of the room, Rachel, might be. (Wisconsin, missed by her cat and her parents.)



Saturday, October 22, 2011

WORKIN' AND CHILLAXIN'

Not so much more to report. Insomnia visited for awhile last night after I posted, but that was as likely due to just a bit more of Erik's lime daquiri than was ABsolutely necessary than anything else. I was a bit extra aware and didn't fall deeply asleep until the morning. On the other hand, that isn't so unusual for me.

Louise and I finished watching the episode of Dalziel and Pascoe we had left unfinished last night and then set out for the Bard campus and the Montgomery Estate where we ate Bread Alone sandwiches and talked about a variety of development projects. Taking a break from Monsterwood was a relief.

And so the day passes. Louise and I made a paella (stovetop) for dinner which we have yet to eat. We passed several yard/estate sales but only went to one where I succumbed to spending my last ten dollars on a copper double boiler with a ceramic insert and a good-looking pair of vintage pinking shears.

The sky outside Bread Alone.

Fleur still blooming in Fall.

This tree is orange. Bad filter.

Fall foilage. Right. But it was!

The top of a tree left as sculpture. Goldsworthy watch out.

Autumnal view from Montgomery Place. Bad filter.

Looking the other way.

More of above.

Montgomery Place.

Another, different bad filter.

Louise attempting to reason with Cosmo.

AH, CLERMONT

Look, I have no reason in this exact moment to complain. I am in a wonderful wonderful house in Rhinebeck. Louise and Erik are beyond gracious and welcoming, Erik going so far as to make killer daquiris, hand-squeezing the limes himself. And after two and some wine, I am still fairly conscious.

Louise and I worked hard today on life issues as well as Monsterwood. 'Tis a thing remarkable to come to any clarity on subterranean issues, even as it might be uncomfortable. Resolutions and actions are still to be reached, but insight and articulation have progressed.

We went to about my favorite place along the Hudson, Clermont, one of the oldest homes in the Valley.

Back of Clermont.

Clermont view of Hudson and Catskills.

Another view of Hudson from Clermont.

Grounds at Clermont.

Looking south.

Betts showed Clermont to me the first year I lived in New York. It is one of my spiritual places however I don't visit it all that often.

So, no progress on some immediate material issues, but great progress on spiritual, emotional, and creative issues. 

At this point, in this creepy lifetime where we find ourselves, that is something to be pleased about.



Thursday, October 20, 2011

NOT SO BAD

So tonight I am at Louise's ah-mazing house in Rhinebeck. We worked on MW for the two hours we drove up here and, as usual, got a lot done. But we always get a lot done when we work, which is one of the reasons I adore and respect and enjoy working with her. After some noshing and a reasonable imbibing, we retired our thinking brains to watch some mid-90s British television. Oh hell, we relaxed and it was great.

And now I take a sigh. I'm just in a period of watching and (trying to) listening to myself. I have been in this situation of risk and borderline disaster before. For all those times of danger (unemployment, losing home, what to do? etc.), my personal map or chart is not yet clear. How exactly did I get here? Was it the same every time?

I am saddened to admit that I feel/fear some of it has to do with my self-image and esteem. One finds one asking oneself who one is and what is one's worth. And one still wears the same monkey suit. I just want to prevent myself from finding myself here again if I, indeed, am part of the problem.

Yeah, there are national and international circumstances that make this period all the more poignant and difficult. So, I do not have the blame thrower trained this way. But I am asking.

And I am sleepy. Trader Joe's did not have any lime popsicles today so you can imagine how I thought the day might go.

Fuzzy pictures of Rhinebeck house.




Cosmo likes to drink from the faucet.