Wednesday, January 26, 2011

"FINDING A REASON TO LIVE AND STUFF"

"Good luck with the therapy and the yoga and finding a reason to live and stuff."


That was a comment from yesterday. I don't know why but it makes me kind of smile. I am positive it is entirely well-meant, but it just compresses so much of my angst into one sentence. Or does it reduce it? 


This round of uncertainty and unhappiness is likely largely financial underneath it all. But as this situation happens to me quite often, I continue to search for underlying causes (besides the collapse of the economy and other social factors) so that maybe I can change my future behavior, alter my collision course with a shopping cart on the streets of Brooklyn.


As I have alluded, it was a rough weekend for me, kicked-off by inconsiderate alcoholics (is that oxymoronic?) keeping me awake, making me angry and frustrated and feeling helpless. That led to immoderate drinking (white wine, thankfully, so I didn't really torture myself), a hangover, and then the precipice of big depression.


Here's what I wrote on Sunday night before I turned out the lights:





Did you ever, do you ever have the feeling that it is NOT going to all be okay? There you are flossing your teeth thinking that you got through another day, more or less intact, but maybe you are less intact than you really know. Especially if you have lapses of consciousness and attention.

Maybe it was growing up in California in the 'fifties and 'sixties when things were groovy. Maybe it was hearing Bob Marley sing "don't worry 'bout a thing/'cause every little thing gonna be allright" at a tender age. I have always thought or assumed that things would work out. I would be okay. Maybe even something close to happy.

I don't see it happening.

How did it get to be this way? What was I missing? Didn't I have the merge gene? What about the get ahead gene? Was I just floating along in the Book of Later Or Whatever? Or was it some flaw of self-esteem that kept me from seeing what else was going on out there.

How do they do it? How do you do it? How do you get married? Choose a college? Have a career? Make good career moving choices? Figure out how to get dressed?

I am utterly baffled.

By the way, RT is Richard Thompson.


Everthing's gonna be all right?

5 comments:

  1. You're not alone. There's an increasing edginess to life in these here United States...It's the economy and the uncertainty of the future, near and beyond.

    Plus, for me, it the darkness and cold of the season, tho' that will soon change. March is just one short month away!

    When I feel the angst you so eloquently describe, I try to prioritize 2 or 3 nights of early to bed mentality and some extra sleep. Sometimes--just sometimes--that helps a bit...

    Ken

    ReplyDelete
  2. I gave my Sonny Boy a set of LCD xmas lights, because I'd heard that they were good for combatting SAD. Reading and watching films works for me, but only so far. Of course depression still lurks in the land of "creditors pursuing in the tropical sun." empty nest syndrome. Old and in the way syndrome. Old and not enough in anyone's way syndrome. Hugs, Sally,
    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  3. You have some very wise friends and they have made some very astute comments. Mine is Vit D.

    Also, YOU have made some very wise statements along the way. A suggestion is to go back and re-read what you are writing, there are some very strong themes running through it and in those patterns are your answers.

    The ever-living angst these days around money and the future seems to be weighing many of us down. My heart is with you all the way.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Sometimes the rush of Time fills me with a momentary panic. I definitely feel that the rare times lately I've been on L.A. Freeways (the last 3 days), where everybody's driving 80 mph 2 car lengths away from eacy other, all lanes full. I feel like maybe I'm the only sane one who knows all that suidical rushing makes no sense, unless you're actually Doing something important, like trying to write a song before you have to go teach, or get published before you die... Anyway, those times of momentary, or freeway, panic make me feel distinctly "different", as if I've floated through my life on my own time/reality schedule, falling into each decision, rather than rushing & pushing toward life changes. I certainly fell into the age I am now...Didn't see it coming.

    ReplyDelete
  5. You know, I think "helpless" is the word. Ultimately, that's what we are...but it's a hard pill to swallow. So much of what we do is do establish and maintain control over things...our work lives, homes lives, financial situations, whatever.
    But when you think about it, isn't that also what we mean when we talk about letting go? I'll never resolve the issues I had with my mom. I'll never get over my guilt. It's the way humans are built. But if I can let go of needing to do those things...that's a kind of positive response to helplessness, no? A way to turn your face into the wind and go on...
    I think it's like the AA pledge, which I've always loved. We're helpless in the face of things we can't do anything about, and we need to figure out the difference between those things and what we really can change. We can't help the economy, or sometimes even our own lack of work. There are even things like drinking and overeating that may have reasons we can't affect. But we can keep trying, day by day, to do better. I'll always have an eating/weight problem, perhaps. But if I look at it as part of my life, and try to eat well or diet when I can and know that it'll be an up and down struggle, maybe that's the best thing--to lose the guilt at my helplessness and just live with who I am.

    ReplyDelete

I SHOULD DO THE SAME

17 of 100 May 24th It is hard to make plans to have fun when you would rather disappear into the earth. The depression continues, yet I am s...