ROUGH AND ROCKY, BUT THRILLED

The last few days have been a bit hectic what with M's b-day and trying to get a well-written synopsis of Monsterwood complete so that we could submit to a graphic novel publishers. It was hard work, sometimes rough and rocky, but we got something that we are all thrilled with. Kudos to Louise for her great job. I was so exhausted from the stress, I went to bed at 9:00 p.m. last night.

And some other changes afoot. One of the Bs and I have made arrangements for me (and the kittens) to spend part of our time in Brooklyn for the next couple of months. So tomorrow, S is coming to help me move a couple of pieces of furniture currently in storage. Brewster room will remain as is, at least for the moment. 

This feels very "cards on the table" time, but at least my mood and attitude are reasonably stabilized. It will be interesting to see if I can keep my better eating habits, as well as my walking. B's place is quite near my Windsor Terrace apartment so I will have to keep my eyes open to avoid my former asshole landlords. Need to find some real work within the next couple of months.

Anyway, hopefully there will be more soon. Back to the noise and bustle. 

SUCH IS THE NATURE OF CAKE

I just couldn't fall all the way to sleep last night, notwithstanding my pretty extreme exhaustion. And then I am not really awake now although I have been working at it for a good two hours.

M just informed me that there was a frost last night. We lost the end of the mailbox morning glories and zinnias. Next week, daylight savings time ends. Stepping back into the darkness.

Days later ... I am not my writing self these past few days. I am other selves though. One self prepared for M's birthday by making a killer of a birthday cake. I used to be a solid baker, the one designated to bring the cakes to celebrations. I haven't had that position for many years, although, come to think of it, I did make some good cupcakes for one of the B's birthdays several years back. But that M, she likes her treats and she likes her chocolate, so, this being one of those significant birthdays, a cake, a chocolate cake she should have. 

After some recipe consolation with Ms. Iris, a baker of the first order, I settled on this, Dark Cocoa Buttermilk Cake with Cocoa Mascarpone Frosting. Highly recommended. Not too difficult although the recipe is not very well written (couldn't they just say "cream the butter and sugar"? We all know what that means, right?) but the results are utterly delicious. Forget about dieting. I think it is fattening to be around the ingredients. My week of reasonable exercise and eating blown in a single day. Ah, such is the nature of cake.

So, still working on Monsterwood submission deadline and tired tired tired. But I wanted to show off my beautiful cake.

Here's the sunset when we went to the birthday dinner at a Thai restaurant.

 

FIRST COLD OF THE SEASON?

Still color in Brooklyn.

Any night when the Kermit Place Readers meet is fairly likely to result in no posting from me. Last night was no exception. 

Just got home from Brooklyn and am finally down to working on that stress cold and fever, so after I post this, I am going to sleep. I even broke my rule and brought the laptop to bed although I generally try to avoid that. 

Anyway, liquids and zinc being consumed. Kittehs played with and were quite happy to see me when I got home. Cooder will likely be purring by my head shortly.

They decorate their outside space as they can.

PERCHING

My old happy kitteh enjoying the afternoon sun.

Jeez, well, the day went by. Work was done. Fleas were abated. I am still coming down from a bit of the Monsterwood crunch/stress but that is likely to go on all week. On the other hand, it could result in a bit of a cold. Hope for my health.

I still haven't finished my reading group book so I should finish up here and get to that. I am spinning in many directions at the moment. Not sure why my feet are so far from the ground (besides the fact that they are resting on the coffee-table, shod in my ancient down booties). Discombobulation. 

Mr. Albert and I had a nice long walk today, as it was another glorious one, still suitable for flip-flops. The trees are beginning to get naked. The air is dry and my cuticles are a mess. The tomatoes are pretty much over, although the good dear M pulled out a tomato/basil/mozzarella salad tonight that was damn summer tasty. It was probably the last of the basil though.

This post seems flimsy. I don't feel flimsy. I feel pretty good except for the stress stuff. I guess I am just grooving on and appreciating the continued existence of Cooder and my comfortable perch in Brewster.

Almost looks like a monster.

Der woods down der street.

Buttons on the windowsill.

SMELL THE MORNING

My head is close to 'sploding right now. Tired, stressed, and kind of cold, even though I have on a scarf, down booties, and fingerless gloves. J turned on the heat. Welcome to that time of year!!

The day started well. I was up too early, did my curatorial job, and then, as I saw neither Louise nor Erik nor Diane (although Louise had mysteriously made coffee), I thought I should do the carpe diem and get in my walk before I had too much time to think about it. I wished Albert were with me. It was spectacular and glorious and there were lots of squirrels and such.

That's pretty nice, right?

Here are some snaps of the view from the front door.

You can practically smell the morning, right?

Yet again, on my walk, I was thinking about some good topics for the blog.  One question I pondered was this: How does one know if one is an asshole? And what does one do about it? Can assholic behavior be redeemed, forgiven, made up for? 

The other question was "Why is it that little girls are so interested in royalty and princesses and duchesses and such?" That was occasioned by my being in Dutchess County and remembering that I was confused about Dutchess and duchess as a child. 

Louise and I did a whole rethinking of Monsterwood in about 90 fun-and-thought-filled minutes. Not the best timing as we are on a deadline to get a tight synopsis this week because a publisher is interested in the graphic novel. So, the stress is on. I had to write some panel pages for Steve to draw so that the possible publisher will get to see the main characters interacting. I drafted something and sent it to the team but I have no idea what they will look like tomorrow.

And tomorrow I need to get busy with the flea death offensive. And I have half of a novel to read for book group on Tuesday night. So much for art, truth, beauty (well ... the photos are nice), and philosophy. I need to get some sleeping meds into me and see if I can get some of that old, sweet shut-eye. Plus, I have a purring kitteh to help me tonight. (Cooder will be extra glad the heat is on.)

SATURDAY, DUTCHESS COUNTY

Oh, as usual with me, I had the best of intentions to write in depth, a more thoughtful eloquent post, with quotes and musings and all the trimmings. Well, I do have a few trimmings.

Trees at Livingston, Clermont Estate.

 I mean, that's pretty gorgeous, right?

Louise and I have been trying to get together with our friend the fabulous Diane for quite a while. We had this weekend pencilled in, but it really did not come together until, like Thursday. By that time other things had come onto the agenda, like Erik and Louise needing to to do tiling in the kitchen, but we decided to go ahead with the weekend anyway. You know, it can be hard to get organized with friends.

I was late picking up Diane at Poughkeepsie, but since Louise and Erik were busy anyway, we just tooled around to our hearts' content, driving into the Vanderbilt Estate, checking out Bard College, and yakking our heads off. Diane remembered, even if Louise and I did not, that it had been quite a while since we had seen one another face to face. 

While Erik and Louise finished tiling for the evening, Diane and I lolled on the bed in the guesthouse looking and my vintage patterns and chatting about sewing, childhood, life, children, and who knows what else. Why ... I think we were relaxed and in the moment.

So, after a late dinner and a more than reasonable amount of white wine, all are a-bed. But I needed to say goodnight to you all.

SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO DO

View from the deck.

Ya know, it is a different kind of day when you wake up rather early and get a-move on. I was up and out by 8:45 as I had made that vet appointment for Emmylou at 9. The morning light through the autumnal trees was quite different, and beautiful, than it is in the afternoon when I have been more likely to observe it.

Emmylou is generally fine, but they did find a flea on her, so it was suggested that we go into flea-fighting mode again. It won't be as intense as last year. Poor kitty is allergic to fleas, so it makes her extra-miserable. Not to mention the rest of us. 

After we returned and I was working, I realized I had not seen her which rather freaked me out as she tends to be near at hand, as is Cooder when she is feeling well (like now when she is once again near my shoulder on the back of the couch). After grabbing the flashlight and looking cellar to attic, I could not find her. Albert was dancing around wanting something, so I took him out, calling for Emmy as I walked around. And I heard her little mew. Sure enough, she had escaped, probably through the tiny hole in the screened-in-porch screen door. The birds nesting and chirping must have been too much of a temptation. But now we are all inside again.

Okay, back to the tasks at hand.




Through the day with neither shower nor nap! But I should to bed now as tomorrow I am off to Rhinebeck. There is much Monsterwood work to be done. 

Albert and I did the hour loop today. We tried to get out before the school buses were making their noisy rounds, but we did encounter several leaf-blowers. 

Very much enjoyed that Neil Gaiman article I sent around on my other blog.

I'm going to suggest that reading fiction, that reading for pleasure, is one of the most important things one can do.

I've got something important to do before I fall asleep.

A SOMBER SLEEPY REVEL

Do I feel a stress cold coming on? I will know better tomorrow when I wake up, I suppose.  I have a lot on my mind, lots of details going on with Monsterwood, worry about the kittens, although Cooder seems quite well. They are both down here with me in the front room, Cooder on the back of the couch next to me, Emmy on the floor a couple of feet away. Cooder is coming downstairs regularly, so I moved the litter box back to the basement. And boy! does she want a lot of attention.

It's Emmylou who is causing the worry now. She's shedding madly, although she doesn't look as bad as she did last year with the siege of the fleas. Now, I haven't seen any fleas or flea shit anywhere, but I am going to take her to see Dr. Theresa tomorrow morning. And to that end, I should get upstairs to bed soon. Enough with the writing, and the beaded necklace making, and the watching of Sons of Anarchy. 

And as to that, I find things to like about it, it is too violent for me, formulaic, kind of for its own sake, kind of casual violence. But there is some very good acting. There is also, surprisingly, a kind of feminist sensibility a reasonable amount of the time, which often surprises me.

Albert and I took our walk at the reservoir today. The weather was almost hot and I wished I had on my flip-flops instead of socks and Converses. Although both M&J were out late, I made a quiche for dinner which turned out spectacularly. I could eat a lot more of it.

I will be more forthcoming on the issues weighing me down when I have sorted them a little more. Some of the issues are sensitive and not only about me. And I will let you know about Emmy. Meanwhile, we can all be pleased about Cooder. I revel and rejoice in her continued existence.

And KHW seems to be on the mend as well.

HUNGOVER SKY

And then before you know it, it's 11:00 pm again. Yeah, right, who knows where the time goes?

Not feeling so well today, although I did get in a good 40 minute walk with Albert. There was a lot of activity on the road what with trees getting cut down and what not. I had made a run over to Danbury and Ridgefield and by the time we got out it was around 3:00 so all the school buses were around too. I was busy on the telephone with Louise (local) and Jason talking about Monsterwood, so no photography today. Also, the sky was ... I almost wrote hungover ... overcast.

The overcast mood reflected the utter madness in D.C. That's a situation that is beyond bumming. I can't quite follow ... or maybe I don't want to ... all the deal making and posturing.

After I did some prep work for M's most excellent chickpea-eggplant stew, I took to a nap and had a deep sleep for several hours. That I am ready to return to sleep says something about my momentary health. Cooder enjoyed snuggles and pets and I am grateful for her continued presence in my life.

I haven't complained or written about any reading since I put The Brothers Karamovoz to bed. I am listening to Steve Martin read his memoir, Born Standing Up, and quite enjoying it, not the least because he grew up near my hometown. I had no idea that he had written for The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour and other shows. Very interesting to hear how hard he worked and who he has run into in his life.

There's still some Spring color in Brooklyn.

CONTENT MYSELF WITH KNOWING

Ima start this one early, here in the days of better habits. Although, if I am being truthful, early might not obtain. It's almost 11 and I am just through drinking my morning honey drink.

I have not slept all that well the last few nights, likely a combination of more-than-usual imbibing and a different sleeping location. Last night, however, there was an ardent kitty requesting pets and cuddling, and I was only too happy to oblige. Cooder was her old lovebedbug self, much to my grateful appreciation and pleasure. Her eyes seem clearer and more focussed. I'm am counting my blessings on that score. At any rate, I didn't sleep deeply for very long.

It's very quiet what with M&J&A all gone. Many of the leaves are already down and I can begin to see the hills and dales the foliage obscures in the spring and summer. The weather is still fine, if pretty cool at night. 

So, I will not linger here at the moment as I should get on with the carpe diem thang, but just wanted to lay the base of words (but no base words) before I found myself falling asleep at the laptop. Excelsior!!!

Now it is late, although marginally before 11:00 which is when I should be falling asleep. I didn't get my walk in today, although I did a couple of other errand-ish things and in general behaved myself.

M&J&A all came home. A would barely leave M's side, in full snugglepup mode. So, I am going to content myself with knowing I did, indeed, move in a more positive direction today and hope that tomorrow I will do likewise, even though I will be confronting a bit of annoyance in the form of a trip to the Apple Store. That is always irritating.

Cooder came downstairs a couple of times today in search of Greenies. Hooray!

BACK TO BETTER HABITS

Back in Brewster. Chillaxing with the kittens as M&J took a long weekend. I was a bit exhausted and stressed from frolicking around Brooklyn and Manhattan in the last few days.

Emmylou miaowed like a maniac when I got home and has staid close by all day. Cooder seemed almost back to normal. I relaxed watching tv and made a couple of necklaces. She either wants more Greenies or wants me to come to bed. And I want to get there, too. But I need to get back into my better habits, walking, eating carefully, and writing. Oh, and taking some pictures.

Yesterday, I went into Manhattan for a bit. I took a couple of pictures of Bryant Park. 'Twas a lovely day.

IT IS SOMETHING

Down in Brooklyn. Louise M (the Ireland Louise), John, and I walked about four hours today. All over Brooklyn and Manhattan. I am very seriously tired. I miss the kittehs, but otherwise okay. And this barely rates as a blog post. But it is something. I couldn't take pictures because my new damn iPhone's battery is shite. Gotta figure that out.

TRYING TO SEE

And there you go. Just writing so no one is worried that Cooder has taken a turn for the worse or anything. Cooder is holding her own. Emmylou is okay. Albert is okay. Tout va bien, pour le plupart.

I'm just in a tad of funk and having quite a challenge moving on the things I need to move on. Like life. I am getting things done, making progress, but man I have to do a lot of procrastinating and self-whatnot to get changed. Then again, I tell myself that progress does not happen in a straight line and to just do what it takes.

My old pals Greg and Louise from Ireland are in Brooklyn so I am heading down there tomorrow to see them. I have a little bit of trepidation about leaving Cooder alone for two days, but I think she is stable enough to spend a bit of time alone.

Trying to see the path to something.

But bedtime time now.

WHEN AUTUMN LEAVES

Still life in unauthorized sleeping area.

Sigh. The sleeping medication worked so I did get in a good ten hours. And to make things better, Cooder was back in her usual place on my pillows, snoozing away as pretty as you please. She also came downstairs on her own accord, and while she did seem a bit unsteady, she found a sunspot for a snooze. And now she is sleeping in the middle of the unmade bad instead of under it. So I think she feels better. And that makes me feel better.

Much later.

Feeling good enough for a downstairs sunbath.

I know it is all about Cooder at the moment. But she was so much better today, although I tell myself that this doesn't really necessarily mean anything. But she spent most of the day sleeping on the bed, and that meant it remained unmade. After dinner and John Stewart and Stephen Colbert, I found her sleeping on the back of the couch where I often sit and work. And although she hasn't gotten back into the full Greenies addiction to the point where she begs and bugs me, she at least walks around downstairs as if she knows that there was something she was looking for/thinking about if she could only remember what...

We've been getting the first few pages of the graphic novel which Jason is taking to ComiCon this weekend. It is pretty danged cool to see them. There are adjustments and we are working faster than we want to at the moment, but Steve Ellis is an excellent illustrator so we are pleased overall. 

M was home so she took Albert on his real walk today. I went to a different reservoir and was quite surprised to see how low the water level was. I ventured out into the mud to some degree, just because it was different. This autumn leave thing is awfully beautiful. None of the pictures I have taken really do it justice. 

Oh hell and you might as well watch this awesome clip of Yves Montand singing Les Feuilles Mortes. The French version is a million times better than the English.

NIGHT HOPE SLEEP

Ya ya ya heard it all before. 'Twas a stormy day, not a leaf untouched by wind. Emmylou spent quite a bit of time this morning looking out on the deck where things blew around. 

The fall out or spiral down from Saturday's birthday fest alcohol had time to work the bleak and black effects on me. I tried to keep that in mind as I tried to get through the day. You know, this could all look a little bit different tomorrow. I tried walking a few times instead of napping, but the weather was uncooperative, although I did even walk in the rain. 

It might have been talking with Dr. K, Cooder's vet again, that pushed me the rest of the way down to gulping heart anxiety. Not that Cooder is any worse, but the ditziness and disorientation is unlikely to improve. Cooder walks the perimeter of the rooms as if she is not quite certain where she is. And she hangs out under the bed quite a bit, just because it is safer and quieter.

She is still eating and functional and gets up when I come into the room, but gosh it is so hard to see her diminished. 

And that's really all I can say today. I am so sad and anxious and in quite a bit of emotional pain. In an hour or so, I will take some sleeping medication and hope that it gets me through the night. I love it when she snores.

But she was dozing on the end of the bed when I came upstairs.

A MORNING GLORY IN AUTUMN

It is a day for staying in 'jammies. Cool and grey more than actually rainy. Oh, and there's that hangover aspect to consider ... 

There was a dinner for J's birthday at a local, quite popular and fancy Mexican restaurant, Las Mananitas. One might think that by now one might remember the cost of drinking margaritas, but one would not be factoring in temptations. I was sitting next to B's gf, K, a slip of a thing, and we came to the same conclusion rather quickly that too many of these delicious drinks would be a bad thing. Plus, I was hungry and eating chips and the salt and grease of the chips with the sugar in the alcohol is a surefire way to make wish I were dead, even without the dementors around. So, I switched to white wine and seltzer (not in the same glass) but all of us were pretty drunk. And we had fun.

I am not sure if I am hungover or just still tipsy. I did not take the ... hmmm ... wonder what I was going to say there. ... precaution of taking some sleeping medication ... I did wake up in the night for a good long time, looking at Cooder's shadowy silhouette against the translucent curtains and listened to the rain start. But I was able to fall asleep again.

Yes well ... I made it through the day all right, even took a nice long walk with Albert in the drizzle. I cannot say that I was much more productive than that, but it will have to do. That I have not fallen into a depression or anything AND that I walked in less than clement weather seem like wins to me.

Cooder is marginally improved. She's around 80% of her normal self and I am just going to be grateful for that for now.

LOVE IS TOUCHING SOULS

Whoa. Going to be a short one tonight. Notwithstanding my healthy lifestyle and reasonable sleeping, the dementors ganged up on me, full court press today. Practically pressed into the floor and unable to move. Forget pervasive sadness, this was invasive. Felt like my pores were closed off with depression and I was all sealed up. 

Gee, and I am not at all sure what might have triggered such a low down. I am still worried about Cooder, who didn't show much improvement today. She's under the bed, which always worries me, although I was able to get her out for a long long nap on the screened-in porch. 

I had some housework-ish things to do as the kids are coming home for J's birthday and there will be post dinner carrying on on Saturday night. Everything I did took me hours to accomplish, as I were working in a bog or something.(The rock and roll doctor just drove up. The music always blares at a teenage volume, which causes me to smile wryly.)

And while I was out on an errand, I did convince myself to take Albert on a half-hour walk on the bike/reservoir path. This level of dementor-invasion causes me to be spacey and unfocussed and there really isn't much I can do. But the walk did help some. When I came back from the errands and made progress on or finished my tasks, I napped for 2.5 hours. 

Fortunately, this does not occur very often and I was able to be functional. I didn't make any bad decisions such as buying things I can't afford/don't need or driving dangerously or anything. And I may well feel better tomorrow. And I might figure out what triggered it besides worry about Cooder ... and the government shutdown and the general difficulty of life right now.

I did get another great picture though. It was quite quite beautiful on the bike path. There were leaves falling all around us and plenty of dead ones on the path to crunch through. Albert quite likes crashing through the leaves. Emmylou likes to sit on the screened-in porch and watch them falling, and sometimes she tries to chase them. Very adorable.

The other day while we were walking along the path, there were just scattered leaves falling and blowing around us. Prince's version of Joni Mitchell's A Case of You came on. If you haven't heard it, you must. (BY NO MEANS WATCH THIS VIDEO, JUST LISTEN.) I thought of Cooder and cried. I think it was the "love is touching souls" line that did me in.

Meanwhile, here's hoping KHW's surgery went well today.

WHITE HORSES IN A GREEN AND GOLD FRAME

I don't want to be too optimistic, but Cooder seems to be moving around and resting better. Right now, all three animals are in the preferred resting places in the family room: Cooder on the red chair, Albert on the green couch, and Emmylou in everyone's favorite spot on the flowered couch. I stood up after catching up on Colbert and Stewart and out the window, in the midst of green and golden leaves, I could see the neighbors' two white horses grazing. Serenity inside and out.

Later that same day ...

Well, Cooder continues to improve although she is decidedly spacier and more easily confused, but it has only been three days. She sleeps more deeply now and in some of her regular positions. Maybe my relief is what is making me so tired tonight. It's on 9:20 and I want to be asleep. 

Emmylou, on the other hand, is shedding quite a bit, although not as she did last year during the great flea infestation. It's been hot, so I wonder if she is shedding the winter coat she was working on.

Enough speculation right now. I'm going to try to sleep easier tonight as I don't think I will have to get up to help Cooder get on and off the bed or anything. 

J turns 60 this weekend and to celebrate he bought Blue Oyster Cult's Greatest Hits which he has turned up. Surprising how thin the walls are in this house. There might not be any sleeping for awhile.

As a reward for your kind concern and patience, here is more fall color.

P.S. I tried to find a good quote for the post title from Don't Fear The Reaper, but it was too silly heavy.

THE RARE SOUL MATES APPEAR

I know, it could be worse, much worse. I have to remind myself that, for the present, I still have my boon/bosom feline companion. She's altered, to be sure, and she requires much more care and attention, but she is still with me, purring and cuddling in the night. There is my pervasive sadness, now, though, not that I was Little Mary Sunshine to start with. 

It's difficult to see her be so discombobulated. She is walking a bit better and a bit more, although I encourage her to stay on the bed. She thinks about going to a dark place to wait out the weirdness as animals, cats in particular do, until the world and her command over it are restored. But then she comes out again, "Nah, I don't want to sit around in the dark."

I have to walk her up and down the two flights of stairs to the litter box in the basement until I can arrange the room to accommodate a box. But, hey! She's using it! And she's eating and drinking just fine or fine enough. 

I suppose I can try to find the blessing in this, that I will have some time to adjust to her leaving, a long good-bye, to spend quality time with her, to pay attention and not ignore her or get caught up in rushing around. And there is personal gratification when I can make her comfortable in my arms, on my lap, and she purrs herself to a secure and restful sleep.


Perhaps it is pathetic to be so attached to an animal. But her beautiful, luxurious warm fur and soft, steady purr have kept me going for the past fifteen years. I don't think I am alone in feeling somewhat touch deprived and the pleasure of petting her and her warm calming exquisite presence have fed me for these many years. If she has not kept away the darkness, she has at least staid there with me, something I could touch if not see in the worst of it.

Emmylou is a wonderful kitty, but she is more of a joker and a flirt. Hopefully, she will mellow as she gets a little bit older. Cooder and I are more temperamentally aligned. Who knows in what form the rare soul mates appear, the familiars, the members of your own tribe, your philosophical and spiritual kin?

So, she made it into her favorite rocking chair (she's been sitting in it since I got her in Berkeley in 1998 although not continually :-)) out on the screened-in porch and got herself some afternoon zzzzzs. She is not dragging her hind quarters as much and is better able to relax and rest. She still has a tough time figuring out where she is spatially and is disoriented easily. But she comes to me when I call her. And now her box and her water and her food are all in our room and there are steps to make it easier for her to get on and off the bed if she can figure out how to use them.

The bonus? I had to clean my bedroom floor which would have done a teenager proud. I got rid of some things (or rather they are downstairs by the door ready to go to the car) and made progress on the summer-to-winter clothing reorganization. 

Here's some fall color.

NOT TO CRY AND TO SLEEP

Again, not really feeling like writing as I am emotionally exhausted. Cooder is on steroids, eating, drinking, using the litter box, and even doing a little bit of stretching when I come in the room. She still lists and has trouble walking, but it seems as if she is doing better. I don't want to be too optimistic. And, well, we all know how this one is going to turn out, just hoping it is later.

As far me, well I'm shaken (not stirred) but able to be productive even if I am somewhat vacant. I even remembered to take my meds, vitamins, and got in a 20-minute walk although I really wanted to take a nap. And I made dinner (Carmelized Onions, Carmelized Shredded Brussels Sprout, Radicchio, and Apple Maple Chicken Sausage with Maple Syrup and Lemon Drizzle), so that showed some gumption.

After I posted this morning, Cooder crawled up the bed to lay down on my chest, something she does not do often, and there she finally fell into a deep and restful sleep, heart to heart, breath to breath. It was difficult not to cry and to sleep instead. We, old companions, communed.

Hey, and I was able to sleep without any sleeping medication. I wanted to be alert if she needed me. 

WE GOT SOME SLEEP

She's pretty pissed off about the whole of it. She's always been independent, even for a cat. And man, is she touchy, growling in frustration. But she came up on the pillow for some face petting, which is somewhat normal, although she is having a very difficult time maneuvering around still. She ate some breakfast, drank a bunch of water, and then I walked down the two flights of stairs to give her an opportunity to use the litter box. 

I'm doing my curation job and then going back to sleep myself for awhile. Emmy and Albert were very happy to see me up and about at their favorite time of day.

More to come. Thank you for caring.

I HOPE WE WAKE UP IN THE MORNING

I don't have anything very good to say tonight, but it has been a few days since I've written, so seems like I should give some sign of continued existence.

Then again, I can't really say much as I am in a state of what ... mourning and despair?  Well, you've heard that before. But the mourning is getting closer to home.

I was really doing better. The not-writing was just that I was gone and then a bit busy with some other creative endeavors, and jus thinking some things through and trying to get focussed. No really big deal. 

And I was getting geared up and getting-a-move on. But then early this evening, things changed. I was talking with Jason and getting started on dinner about 5:00. I had kind of noticed that Cooder hadn't been downstairs in a few hours, which is not her usual pattern and I was vaguely concerned. It was warm enough to open the SIP for some late afternoon sunning and as I was hanging up with Jason, I noticed Cooder hissing at Emmy. Again, not all that unusual, but she was kind of leaning against the door. I hung up, shooed Emmy away, picked Cooder up, but she didn't seem to be able to stand up. I put her on the couch, expecting her to walk and lie down once she got over being miffed, but she didn't.

I stepped away to let her settle, but she couldn't walk properly. And after a couple more minutes, she still wasn't walking right. I quickly called her vet, but they were closed. I called their emergency vet and they said to bring her in, which I did as fast as I was able. 

We still don't know her condition, but after $400 of emergency visit and blood tests, they let me bring her home to watch. She ate, drank water, had some catnip, but wasn't really sleeping. 

I take her to her own vet tomorrow for further testing. She's finally resting. She's here next to me. I hope we wake up in the morning. 

IN MY LINE TO FEEL

Today was better. I slept reasonably well and woke up at a respectable hour. And I got a few things done. I spent 90 minutes on the telephone with Maman trying to get her computer working. We didn't get it working properly but after many tries we did make progress and can pick it up again. This was frustrating. Afterward, I needed to chill out, and I needed to walk off some of the Smarties I binged on, so Albert and I took an hour-long walk at the reservoir.

It's late and I should try to get some sleep. Emmylou is upside down and conked out here on the couch as I finish this and watch the next season of The Sopranos.

Jeff Nunokawa had another great post so I will share it and say goodnight.

5002. "love those for whom the world is real" (James Merrill)

September 24, 2013 at 8:20am

However seldom in my line to feel,
I most love those for whom the world is real ("The Book of Ephraim", The Changing Light at Sandover).

This is really something, a girl said last night, about the strange ceramic clown that has been part of my household for years. As alarmingly self satisfied as the clown looks, I just know that he's anything but. (I assume it's a he, though I can't say for sure: its gender does not submit to simple identification.)

If my young guest and her friends hadn't been considerate enough to celebrate his existence, I just know that my poor clown would have spent the night (as he has spent many nights) in a state of darkness about his very being.

That clown is a parable: Think how often you and I cast about in shadows, unsure of the reality of our own being, no matter how game our face, like so many sad and lonely clowns or clouds or crowds, until someone quick and bright comes along to draw it out.

Where would we be without those special someones to confirm our especial existence?

Lucky for us, they're no further away than the next real surprise.
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Note: . . . a world which has meaning only for a consciousness (Hazel Barnes, "Humanistic Existentialism and Contemporary Psychoanalysis", in The Literature of Possibility, A Study of Humanistic Existentialism)

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