PLAN WELL AND COVER YOUR TRACKS

 

Stendhal’s playbook for elites under absolute rule

1. Never criticize the prince in word or deed, or voice any disloyal thought. It will get back to him.
2. Make the prince see you as indispensable, without making him resent your skills and influence.
3. Radiate prestige and prosperity at court to bolster your status and enhance the prince’s self-regard.
4. Adopt the fashions of the court, even if they are ridiculous, to show social and political orthodoxy.
5. Never appear independent-minded, virtuous or enthusiastic; it fosters suspicion.
6. Track court gossip at all times; be alert to calumnies against you and to changing princely priorities.
7. Cultivate allies among the prince’s family and intimate circle.
8. Cultivate powerful allies outside the prince’s circle.
9. Recognize that your allies may be unable to help you, or may betray you. Have backup plans.
10. Study the motives and aims of allies, rivals and foes alike, so you know how best to manipulate them.
11. Grant favors to allies, rivals and foes alike, to make them beholden to you (though it may not work).
12. Never regard your own status as secure. Work at all times to buttress it.
13. If you excite envy, expect retaliation — work to pre-empt it.
14. Anticipate attacks against you from rivals for the prince’s favor. Thwart them, and strike back in kind.
15. Know that even if the prince seems to like you, he may seek to destroy you, for sport or out of malice.
16. Act as if you are under surveillance at all times, because you are.
17. Know whom you can trust, but be careful what you let them know, and anticipate their likely slip-ups.
18. Make yourself popular with the common people as a hedge against smears.
19. Avoid becoming so popular with the common people that the prince feels threatened.
20. Be prepared to defend yourself effectively but respectfully when rivals denounce you to the prince.
21. Do not expect the law to protect you; the judiciary is surrendered to the will of the prince.
22. If your influence wanes, invent a conspiracy against the prince; punish its members to impress him.
23. If you are threatened with incarceration in domestic or foreign prisons, leave the country at once.
24. When you travel, carry a passport that will pass muster with border officials and court spies.
25. In life or death situations, enlist the help of powerful enemies through blackmail or bribery.
26. If, for self-preservation, you must resort to illegal actions, plan well and cover your tracks.

July 24th

Well, I screwed that one up long ago (meaning the title of this post).

I need to get to the library today. As if I need any more books, right? 

On Tuesday, this being Thursday, Janet threw up again. For the past five or six days, she had been more low-key and spacey. She was sleeping more. She played less of her usually compulsive and non-winnable solitaire. Her labs of late had been troublesome. She has stage four kidney disease and her numbers were way down.I called her nephrologist, who kindly called me back quickly. He took a look at her labs and suggested that we go to the ER to get her checked out more thoroughly.  As this call happened minutes before I was teaching, I thought we could go after class. Even though I was rather distracted, my students said I taught a good class. I went hope to prepare for the waiting room ordeal. 

In the world of whys, why are ER waiting rooms so much like the antechambers of Hell? They are so terribly uncomfortable. The overlighting is the most egregious for me. That intense fluorescent light is really more than my third and other eyes can take. Brightness beats on you. I don't know the bliss-ninny science behind it, but it connects directly to my solar plexus chakra, which in turn lowers my immunity and makes me extra tired. This time I remembered to take a hat. I also brought extra warmth, books, iPad, two pair of charged up earbuds, and snacks. We only had to wait 5.5 hours.

The long and short of it is that Janet was admitted. So far, no big diagnosis, only that she was low on salt. And I get a day or two of actual peace. 

July 27

See, I am stuck inside the doldrums with the Memphis blues again.

Janet came home on Thursday evening. Her walking papers included constant (or at least consistent) hydration. Low sodium and dehydration were the hospital discharge comments.This is far from an easy task to accomplish. I would have to spend nearly all my waking time focussed on getting her to drink water. That is beyond my capabilities (and they are pretty limited) as a caregiver. 

Janet has bounced back to reasonable functionality so many times, but my feeling now is that she is settling in for the long goodbye. Her mental capacities are dwindling. She has no functional memory that I can see, although she is still able to play dominoes apparently. She is not even playing unwinnable solitaire with an unrelenting fervor as she was previously. I can get her to do yoga, but it barely seems to sink in. 

I am now in the early stages of panic and grief. 

While I appreciate any support, please do not make my situation harder by giving me too much and too forceful advice, I haven't the time to manage you and the emotions such concern will cause me. I am happy to talk about it, but you cannot fix me, my lifelong behavior, or the situation unless you are coughing up cash, or a place for me to land. 

I hope that isn't too harsh, but seriously, I have enough anxiety to manage on my own.

My best homeboy Dave Alvin played two nights at McCabe's Guitar Shop ( performance space capacity 150). He was with Jimmie Dale Gilmore in a semi-acoustic duo, emphasis on the semi. My long absent pal, Debee, came down from Ventura County to go last night. It was spectacular as was hanging out with Debee for the first time in many months. As true to form, we staid up until the wee hours began to grow up, talking, primarily about music, but musing about life and relationships as well. This time, however, we forwent the many gins-and-tonics, settling for a beer or two.

I didn't sleep well and woke up too early which might partly account for the nun's habit of glum that seems to have settled over me. I am trying to forego any particular emotional plateaux or at least naming them. Perhaps a better night's sleep will foster some better outlook, but I really think I am settling into the reality of grief and upheaval that could come at any moment. (I mean, always, but particularly now.)