CLEAR DESK, CLOUDLESS SKY

3541. "Do not wait for a clear desk or a cloudless day" (James Richardson)

by Jeff Nunokawa on Saturday, October 29, 2011 at 10:37am

Man, you can say that again--if I waited for anything like those things, I'd never get anything done, or undone. Besides, it's like what they say about luck: you make your own clear desk and cloudless days. Actually in my case, it's a lot like what they say about making your own luck: I feel like it's true (making your own luck, clearing your desk or the clouds from your day)--I just don't exactly know how or have any interest in finding out how. If something's working, I remember not to ask a lot of questions. I think that's best.

Today is the day. It was November 4 that I started this blog, for one year. Go here to review. I have a few more posts to make it an even 365.


I have rarely gone back to see what I have written. Eyes ahead. Fingers on the keyboard. Focus inside. Just keep going. So, I just took a moment and came upon this, on day 3:


"I had a ... maybe transcendent moment  — hard to use those kinds of words once you are out of them. Thinking about the Biblical image I most relate to: Jacob wrestling the angel for the blessing. And I thought how I wrestle with the angel of creativity for some blessing, for some ability to see and own the creative process — to have some sign or word or knowledge about how to proceed, how to be plugged into a current that will both free me and move me to work and to see. I don't know how to get from here to there. That is quite an admission or something from someone who specializes in understanding process, at least media production process. I understand, relatively, the external process but not the internal process. It's as if the dots inside of me can't connect or coalesce. 


And I have tears steaming down my face right now (and shit, I am, and this is a rare occurrence, listening to the fucking Grateful Dead, just weird unplanned synchronicity of life threads ... sutras?) that you know what ...

I DID THIS!!! I just wrote and did my practice (almost) every day. And now I write. I have formed a fantastic CREATIVE working relationship with Louise Gikow (a blessing). And we work on projects we believe in. And we are not GOING TO DO IT. WE ARE DOING IT. (If you need some project ideas, give us a shout out.) And I am rewriting my resume to include writing as a skill and a vocation.

And I am weeping, really. And why I don't know. Because I committed to something, something not too big, not too hard. And my attention and commitment, for once, has been met and rewarded. And I just might be a bit different than I was a year ago. And you just might see it and feel it. And that makes me smile and feel good. Even on a cold and windy autumn day with no money in the bank and no actual prospects.

So, maybe I can say from personal experience. Do it. Got for it. Believe in it. And stop waiting for the clean desk.