Wednesday, June 22, 2011

WHITHER GOEST I?

Goodness. I am wandering around identities and moods this evening. Could it be the two Pilsner Urquels I sipped over the course of the evening? Contemplative, philosophical, sad, shattered, confused, and then groovin'. All in a short span of checking in on myself over a couple of hours.

I had to take Tupelo to the vet again. And Miep was a little quiet again, although she has ventured out and miaoued a couple of times.

Tupelo had an ultra-sound and there was a lesion found on his pancreas, I think. John is understandably beside himself. Tupelo has been has very close friend and companion for many many years. They have a special bond. And Tupelo is an unusual kitty.


So we will say our prayers for Tupelo, too. How can you resist that face?

I am wrassling with myself and my ... emotional construction (?) ... quite vigorously. I am working to get some intellectual and emotional connection/correlation between my dismissiveness and compassion/empathy/connectedness. I doubt this will all be revealed very readily, but I am trying to make sense of it.

As much as I ... well not revile my late father, but certainly examine his effect on me, I think I may have internalized one of the things I like least about him. He always did whatever he wanted to. And quite often, not so much put himself first, but did not consider others. Inasmuch as I don't like to think of myself this way, I think there is a core of me that only wants to do what I want to do. I don't find it a particularly mature perspective and I am a bit disturbed by this notion.





1 comment:

  1. I think sometimes only wanting to do what you want is the right thing to do... If you WANT to do the responsible to yourself-&-others right thing, which involves the what goes around comes around payback (so is there such thing as altruism?) If the "me" isn't balanced with the "us" you don't get great "payback". If you just want to be lazy & veg all the time, & not do your "life's work", whatever that might be, there is obvious negative payback on that. And the same with hyperfocus on self, negating others. I think, generally, though we all need/want real vacations nobody really WANTS to do just that. In any case, we all do the best we can. Why not?

    ReplyDelete