I did sleep better last night. And if I woke up at 5:00, the panic was calmed enough for me to continue to sleep. Perhaps last night's repose was the best night's sleep I have had in many months. Was it the trazadone, the dairy products in last night's pasta extravaganza, or a perceptual shift in my unconscious that maybe things are getting better. On the road to recovery instead of the road to nowhere?
My medicine chest is in serious need of re-organization. It is one of those (many) tasks I repeatedly vow to get right on as soon as I finish "x". Beginninging with an item or two, I dreamt that I had cleared it out, down to polishing the glass and throwing out things. And I had so much more room in there than I had previously thought. Now what is that a metaphor for? We can clean our our medicine chests and heal ourselves?
Hmmm ... haven't had coffee yet, so I will end this for now. Another gloomy chilly day.
Later that morning! Huzzah! And there is sunshine. Working on resume, but will try to get out to soak up some rays before the day is over.
And here's a cool post from TEDx about vulnerability. There are elements here which are quite central to my current challenges and thinking. For instance, shame has always been an emotion that I have never gotten a clear handle on. I have never been able to untangle all of the feelings in that complex. I think she does a good job of teasing out a lot of it.
I walked in the park for the first time in many many weeks, although by the time I got out the sun was largely down. It was transformed into pure greenery. I know this happens every year, but I have been so enmeshed in my own story that I had not been of an expansive mind and heart to enjoy the bursting and budding around me. And now the leaves and grass have settled into their warm weather splendor, except that the colors are sharp with newness.
And while my outlook on future finances and living situation is still entirely up in the air, the pain has lessened enough for me to move around a bit more normally, comfortably. I even IRONED last night. I also slept well, although I took some xanax to make sure. When I woke up, more like 6:00 than 5:00, I felt the dim pangs of panic instead of the jolt of terror.