Thursday, February 2, 2012


John will kill me for this photo.
As it John's birthday, and as Melinda is taking us out to dinner in celebration in about an hour, I just thought I would get down to it and write a bit now. There's always that chance that I might not be 100% sober later.

A very up and down day. Just as I was running through the house trying to find my other winter shoe and get out of the house on time, I got a message from Pam who is back in the hospital, very ill again, and this time, from what I have been able to find out, seem about to lose her finger. Not that I can figure out why, but this was made the  more poignant by my having received, yesterday, some rings to sell on eBay from my dear friend JH-M. Although I rarely wear rings, I pulled some out of the cache she sent, and had them on when I received  Pam's message.

And I still haven't found that other shoe and it is cold and I need it.

Therapy was fine. Then I headed over to Louise's apartment to work, thinking about the sad trajectory of parts of Pam's life; how abuse untreated and unaddressed can lead to such profound inability to take care of oneself, denial, and a lot of other things. Pain inflicted on children, and on adults, but children particularly, reverberates in ways that are not instantly apparent. That gun of abuse from Pam's childhood, it just went off. Again. With clearer consequences.

Work with Louise was fine and productive. I got word from Pam's friend in Kansas about how bad it might be.

Then I came home to find out a debt of mine had been turned over to a lawyer for collection. Is that too much information? I could be devastated, but it's just a current reality. I would love to pay it; it's a medical debt and I feel terrible about it. But right now, I am just keeping what money I get (and it is gradually increasing, thanks to those helping) in constant circulation and trying to keep the lights on, the internet running, and the cats fed. (Okay. I am eating, too.) Well, this is a "tomorrow at Tara" topic. Things are tough, and yet they have to be dealt with.

So, I just wanted to share this outside of myself so that I didn't dump it on John and Melinda while they are trying to celebrate. And I didn't want to keep it inside as that might cause me to drink to quash the anxiety.

And you all wanted to share, right?

P.S. It is Graham Nash's birthday, too. He's a good guy.

1 comment:

  1. Today my second year students were grumbling about those homeless guys who should get jobs and I stepped out of restraint and asked them how many of them were self-supporting. This broke the mood and made them laugh. I am ignoring a long-overdue credit card bill. I managed to get another money order to pay the increase in my rent without heading to the bank again. This is 25 dollars increase and a one-time payment of 25 dollars added to the security deposit. I might be able to find a cheaper apt. if my credit wasn't so bad. My credit might not have become so bad if my rent wasn't so high. And so it goes.