Saturday, May 10, 2014

WHY ARE WE HAUNTED?

The sun and I have something in common today: we are both struggling to shine. The rain has been fitful these last two or three days, but the gloom grey has been fairly consistent. That probably has something to do with my continued malaise, but who knows.

Yesterday was nearly a wash. I didn't fall asleep on Thursday night, although not due to any negative behavior on my part. At three o'clock, I began to doze but repeatedly woke until about 7:30 when I just gave up and got up. I caught up on some things, did my errands, and was back by early afternoon. I make bad decisions about food, money, and alcohol when I am tired, so I just went to the def con nap. I never really woke up after that, although I arose, had a nice dinner, and did some reading. 

I do feel more alert today, but aspects of general bummerness remain. I have promised Emmylou that we hang out in the backyard once the sun comes out as it is supposed to do. I'll be needing my summer clothes very soon. For now, opening the windows will probably suffice.

I had heard good things about the Comedy Central show, Broad City. Being of limited energy and intelligence last evening post-nap, I watched all of the episodes, some of which made me laugh out loud. I had sort of put it out of my mind, but the evil B2 is in one of the episodes. (Broad City is worth watching.)

Seeing her was quite a strange experience that I have yet to have a full opinion on. When my eyes saw her, my reaction was very affectionate and positive. You know, my eyes probably dilated as they do when you see someone you like or care about. And that was my general feeling as I watched her (she did a good job). I suppose there was a bit of wanting to see her. And then I remembered how unrelentingly horrible she was to me, how irrational, unkind, and, in general, completely fucking insane. A. Danger. To. Me. How miserable she made me and my better friends who had to support me and get my ass out of that fiery hell on short notice.

So, my questions to myself are about self-interest, self-preservation, and the like. Why my immediate reaction to seeing her was positive rather than hatred and terror, or gosh, even disdain.  And I even have a lawsuit pending her against her right now in small claims court for all the money her madness cost me. Why no "Danger, Will Robinson" reaction? 

I know there is something positive about some level of forgiveness, but here I am more concerned with not having some protective layer or alarm system that this person is a danger to me. Why does my affection for her outweigh the threat of being hurt again? 

Perhaps I am not articulating this very well, but I find my reaction confusing. B2 is crazy as batshit and has tried me and hurt me more than once. There is something in this dynamic worth examining, understanding.

Meanwhile, I am going to go more sewing today! And get some exercise. And clean my room more. Mel isn't coming out this week (waaaah...) but John will come back tomorrow (he was here briefly to change into a suit for his great-nephew's First Communion). I think I am going to make white chicken chili.

Thanks for listening today. I feel a bit better. For all her unbridled negativity and craziness, B2 is funny and smart, and as I said before, she wrote and performed a one-person play that was nothing short of stellar. Seems as if she were raised on, and now runs on, a fearfulness that does not jibe with mine. Her survival instincts rival those of a cockroach. Her understanding and compassion seem similar as well. 

This poem was in my inbox a few days ago, and although I generally don't like rhyming poems, I liked this. The reason it even vaguely obtains here is that there were some moments of great fun and connection with B2.

FRIENDSHIP AFTER LOVE

After the fierce midsummer all ablaze
  Has burned itself to ashes, and expires
  In the intensity of its own fires,
There come the mellow, mild, St.Martin days
Crowned with the calm of peace, but sad with haze.
  So after Love has led us, till he tires
  Of his own throes, and torments, and desires,
Comes large-eyed friendship; with a restful gaze,
He beckons us to follow, and across
  Cool verdant vales we wander free from care.
  Is it a touch of frost lies in the air?
Why are we haunted with a sense of loss?
We do not wish the pain back, or the heat;
And yet, and yet, these days are incomplete.

— Ella Wheeler Wilcox

A loss is a loss. And these days are incomplete.

Hey, but some Spring days. And you!

And a birthday shout-out to my dear sistah, DM! Have a great weekend girl!




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