Friday, May 23, 2014


A garden in Brooklyn.

Feeling a bit better today, although I can feel that dark cloud of uncomfortable-in-my-own-skin somewhere up there is the flat grey sky. I'm listening to and working on my "Ease Into Morning" mix that has some upbeat music on it (Kenyan Bana Likasi and some silly Chet Akins) and that helps keep the energy light. 

Writing this early in the day is part of my "action therapy" ... these posts might be boring for some of you, as I might well be continuing to repeat all the blah blah blah of my life. But this blog is important to me both as a discipline and a record of my trying to get it right, trying to do it right, trying to be right. And I think that requires self-examination, which requires digging through the quotidian stuff and nonsense of getting through another day.

My current topic of self-examination, what's on the front burner for the moment, is how much I live in "I want to do or be this" rather than taking action in those directions. How and why do I get stuck? And what of my behavior represents "stuckness"? This is painful and uncomfortable as I do believe some of my favorite activities, as I mentioned yesterday, might fall into the avoidance or blocking categories. Although my solitaire habit has abated greatly since I had my gig, I still find myself  thinking "I should do some sewing/go to bed/read Proust..." only to vegetate in the direction of solitaire as if by self-destructive compulsion.

At any rate, I have a little to do list and want to get in another walk, so I will keep this on the relatively short side. (Or am I avoiding delving deeper into this uncomfortable subject?)

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