87 of #100daychallenge
This post is influenced by wine. Not too much, but enough to make me tipsy. My left knee hurts. I had a cortisone shot a week ago and not much is happening. Pain pills (Advil) was consumed to no apparent effect. Do you sometimes have trouble with affect and effect? The late and oft lamented Anita (recently deceased niece) would have enjoyed this discussion.
Well, yes, I miss her. Am aware that she is not there. But her life was so reduced that it seems as if I can keep speaking or communing with her. Maybe death is supposed to be that way. Maybe that is one of the lessons David was referring to. I didn't feel that way when my brother Carl died. All I felt was absence (and still do often, after 13 years). Her death feels like a mistake, something that can be done over, and also like something that was needed.
Today, I finally called the detective who was assigned to the case of the burglary. It is all circumstantial, but the fact that all of her records (taxes, registration, bills other than medical and legal bills (even the correspondence about her participation in the case against Purdue Pharma for her oxy addiction) points to a person who had confidence and time. There was nary a bill for her internet floating around her apartment.
I have been sleeping without benefit of Trazadone these last few days. I have it on hand, but I have been so ready to sleep when I finally hit hay, I have been trying to do without it. And I have slept alright.
No one is particularly productive in this heat. I have a window from the morning (generally around nine a.m. for me) and about 3:00 p.m. when stupor and stupidity have equal hands. That is not a large window of productivity when some of it is taken up with the ever-frustrating Janet management.
I love my mom. I don't want her to go any sooner than her health allows, but it is a challenge as she sinks ever further into her constitutional passivity. Acnd her natural born obfuscation. She is not capable of a straight yes or no answer when an amelioration might gum up and prolong the interchange.
Fox is having a hard time that Idrisse is settled in the place he likes to be. As I have said, there is limited area for cat sprawling near my desk and it is first come, first served. He has left the room in a huff.
Janet said she was contemplating how to commit suicide today. Hanging herself is not an option as she can't easily lift her arms above her head. She thought about walking out into traffic, but that is pretty random, as most folks would stop for her. So, I guess she will have to live for now. I was not in favor of the plan.
Goddamn if there isn't a hysterical dog barking in the background.
I did some gardening today, albeit not enough. I pulled up some grass as well as deep watering on areas that are suffering from my recent neglect. My neighbors noticed my garden suffering but watering is just one more thing I have little interest in.
Do you ever think about process versus event? I think about it quite frequently and am still stymied by incorporating the damn reality into my life calibration. Things take time, damn it. We are so conditioned to results and gratification NOW. Understanding and embracing process cuts breaks in so many dimensions.
When my mom passed away, for a long while (about a year I'd say) I expected the phone to ring and she would be on the other end, to ask how I was doing. It's a weird sensation. I also recall after Tupelo passed, how I thought I would see him out of the corner of my eye, sitting in the doorway looking at me.
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