GRAPPLING WITH A LUMINOUS DOOM

16 of 100

Later, May 18th

I did not have a good day. I did accomplish some things, progress was made, but I am not sure who was driving. I got up early for me and somehow managed to pop an Adderall around 9am. This is a good practice if I can remember to do it, but mostly I can't. Perhaps I will find another focus that allows me to organize my mornings better. Slowing down on the alcohol intake and not staying up much past 11pm does help. 

For two days, I could not find my medication for depression. Under better or even normal circumstances, I wouldn't think this was a particularly big deal. There are quite a few things that I am trying to understand and/or process right now. My current sense of self is a bit spongy. And, you know, those crazy dreams. Although I was able to put one foot in front of the other, it wasn't clear that there was an actual direction. As is common with biochemical depression, there are surges of some chemicals that make you more or less okay, so one is surfing with oneself all the while. My depression was not about losing love but I still felt like this 

a window in your heart
Well, everybody sees you're blown apart
Everybody feels the wind blow

No one was around to feel the wind blowing but me and that solitude to walk around, my mind and energy a circus, not a ball, of confusion, took a bit of the anxiety away. Cycling in a not pleasant way. Still, I puttered and pottered along, finally able to find my missing antidepressants, whereupon, I pop two. I was feeling wiggy enough to consider calling my psychiatrist and/or my gp to help modulate. This is a rarity. I just kept dodging around my corners, trying to avoid sinkholes or manic highs (not really my style). I was almost as if I were rowing through the day, pulling myself forward, then resting from the effort, and hoping I didn't slide back. I felt hollowed out from my belly to behind my heart.

And then there was the matter of teaching while I was almost in a fugue state. This is something that you cannot really share with people who aren't professionals or depressives themselves. And now the words to an execrable song come to mind (still tripping here a bit) 

You got to know when to hold 'em

Know when to fold 'em

And know when you have to keep your shit together. And I was. Class was good.

I am still shaky, my personal re-integration into this current meat suit is not yet complete. However, I will end this for now, hope my dreams are not too intense, and look this over tomorrow.

May 23rd

It just rolls along, that time and tide. My mental/emotional state is marginally better, but those sinkholes open often enough. One of the main factors herein is the amount of care my mother needs. I have to/had to come to terms with not really having much of a life from now until her end. I still had some idea that there was some autonomy or personal life besides taking care of her, but I had to reframe that. I was trying to get her out the door to see her new urologist (she has a UTI) when I happened to see her trying to wipe herself and get up off of the toilet. She's very frail, notwithstanding that she still goes to play dominoes and hang-out with her friends. She's been given a requisition to get some physical therapy at a gym, but I have had so many other niggetity other health issues that I haven't, with my high degree of unmotivated depression, been able to get this together. 

And, of course, I am worried about going away. She needs quite a bit of help on the personal scale (making sure she has pads or diapers, making sure they are where she can find them, her meds, feeding her, helping her with her clothes, washing her clothes, etc etc) I am concerned about leaving her in the care of others. 

That said, I am so beyond fried right now. It is frustrating as I feel we are close to being able to get by but just falling a bit short. I could use a housekeeper/cleaner a few times a month to just get things to a bit higher standard, and someone to spell me and give me a weekend off a month or even just more hours. This is not to say that I don't leave her alone (checking in with her, of course) for some hours, but it would be preferable to have someone in the house. And I know even the current level of freedom is likely to go away.

In other news, the garden is spectacular, but I do have some work to do before I go away. Yes, and then I am starting to fret about packing and all. How to get to the airport? Can I move some of her doctor's appointments? Will the Janet caregivers take good care of les chats? It's a lot.

Enough worry and grousing. Just giving you a snapshot of "what it is" ... I need to take some allergy meds, my night meds, and get to sleep. Janet has a cardiologist appointment in the morning. Plus, there are two kitties already tucked into my bed.

SLEEPING IN THE FOREST

I thought the earth

remembered me, she

took me back so tenderly, arranging

her dark skirts, her pockets

full of lichen and seeds. I slept

as never before, a stone

on the riverbed, nothing

between me and the white fire of the stars

but my thoughts, and they floated

light as moths among the branches

of the perfect trees. All night

I heard the small kingdoms breathing

around me, the insects, and the birds

who do their work in the darkness. All night

I rose and fell, as if in water, grappling

with a luminous doom. By morning

I had vanished at least a dozen times

into something better.

— Mary Oliver, Sleeping in the Forest, Beacon Press, Boston, 1978

My excellent neighbor and friend, Sally, with roses from my garden. She told me that she comes over and picks flowers all the time. I was pleased.