19 of 100
April 26
I should be feeling my oats today as I scored the right answer on Wordle in two guesses before my second cup of coffee. I have only done that once before on my first wordle try. The birds are quite loud. The clouds are, so far, cooling off the day. I only have two yoga classes left.
But I am so upset with a close relationship that I gave myself a stress cold. Looking back over the past couple of weeks, I can see that something was deeply troubling to me. Forgetting my pin for the debit card should have been a serious clue but all the repressed feelings started surfacing in a long slow wave that crested with me in tears and the miasma of sorrow and depression.
It has been so long that since I have been seriously depressed, I had almost forgotten about the big "D." How fast and subtly it can creep up on you. The dementors have yet to make a showing, so that's a plus at least. And perhaps I will feel a bit better after a nap. Looks as if I will be depending on an older class I have written and I will use the afternoon to rest and try to hurry this cold along.
I don't know how many of you have had to care for any elders, particularly female elders. You should be forewarned, if this in your future, that they have black hole pockets in their clothing. No matter how much care you try to take in emptying their pockets before laundry, there are ALWAYS several pieces in that black hole that will be flushed out in the wash, thus making a huge mess. Particularly for those of us who don't use dryers (mine is still broken) and have no recourse to a dryer cleaning it off.
(Aunt Bird Said She Had to Heave Herself from Sleep)
Aunt Bird said she had to heave herself from sleep
to study how the wind’s blade whisked the air,
that she wanted to grasp the reckless motion of being —
its spit and grime and ruin —
because nothing expired completely
except time eating its own body.
She taught me I was made out of crumbling
and to bring into the open the damaged
heart of even my self-willed dark,
although fear sprouted from my skin
and my voice was a wing flapping wildly.
— Yerra Sugarman, Aunt Bird, Four Way Books, New York, 2022
(I briefly studied poetry back in the 1990s. Yerra was one of my classmates with whom I staid in touch.)
Sorry to hear it's been one of those days. Not enough credit is given to those that have to care for aging parents. ANd no one really knows hoe difficult it is until they experience it themselves. I hard place in my heart for those that sent their folks to a nursing home. They are not human in my mind. On the other hand, Wordle in 2 huh? I have yet to achieve that 1. Now I just hope get it before I run out of guesses. What does that say about me?
ReplyDeleteDearest Comrade in Depression. I fell into the worst depression in my life after my last abortive romance crashed and burned during the middle of the Covid lockdown social policy disaster (IMHO). Good time to break up! Worry not, I am so vaxxed I glow in the dark. But I sought help via Zoom medicare headshrinkers. Found one after a few tries. Still with her - a good Jesuit in Spokane. (I converted to Catholicism, mostly because they have so much real estate - I am Thomas Merton and DT Suzuki and Engineer Bill chewing up the body of Christ in various 3rd world locations). Was paralyzed with depression. Was unable to work, function, brush teeth, get my hair cut, etc. Finally tried clinical ketamine. After six sessions the "how fucked up are you?" questionnaire said I was just a normal neurotic non-suicidal socially isolated former working videographer with normal existential fears and struggling to have faith in life. After six weeks the ketamine wore off. I found an off label (via much trial and error) anti-depressant which works. Most of them don't. I have gone back to work. Functioning again. That was rough. I have been growing magic mushrooms and dosing my depressed anxious pal and it actually works. Waiting for next batch to harvest before self inoculation as only one anti-depressant at a time. Limit the variables. Just writing in solidarity my you my old friend. Now I have a cat. I remember making the cats get off the chair I wanted to sit in at your house in the Springs. NOW I understand. Such arrogance. I appreciate your blog poems. Love, TL
ReplyDelete