MOMENTARY CAPABILITY

Later that same day, June 23, 2016

Is floodgates? Or just simply a lock on a canal. Even though there are sunflowers visibly happy outside the window as well as zucchini, grape tomatoes, and Japanese eggplants, I am overwhelmed and enmeshed in sadness.

Although I have stopped my knee-jerk barking at Janet, I have not gotten over my anger at her. And although the taking-to-task was not conducted at any voluble volume, I still harangue her. Why cannot I try a little tenderness. And why does writing that simple sentence bring tears to my eyes? There is something there I have yet to get to.

I don’t want to be mean or unkind. I want to do patience instead of aspiring to it. (OK, CB: There is no trying, just doing.) Yet, this does not come easily, naturally, or any other way. So, now I ask myself what barrier is this.

There is something here as the tears flow more decidedly. Janet tells me she did the best she could and begins her own tale of parental woe. This does nothing to assuage me. An anger at the cosmic could-have-been/should-have-been of my life?

11 July 2016

Yes, I know I won’t make it even close to a whole post. It’s that danger hour between 12 and 1 a.m. when I need to not be sitting in front of a laptop screen, whether I am writing or playing solitaire.

Janet’s facial allergic reaction is back with a vengeance. From what I could make out of the pages that the allergist gave us, she shouldn’t be on any kind of antihistamine or steroid when I take her to get tested this week on four separate days. She’s been reasonably stalwart in bearing it. We tried so many different home remedies, the best of which was oatmeal.

Her short term memory is completely gone from what I can tell. She doesn’t remember when this bout started or how many times it has happened (4). It is so crushingly hard to be around. She seems more vacant than usual, possibly because of the heat and her discomfort. I haven’t had the heart to hassle her into walking or anything else.

Almost 12 July 2016

Yes, it is late again, although not that witching hour. I'm rather spent and feeling down again. I suppose it was not a useless day as clothes and bedding washing happened as well as some deep cleaning in the kitchen (not that there is not more to do). Plants were watered this evening. I got Janet to the allergist, ran by the library, filled up with gas (and frozen yogurt) at Costco. I even managed to get some ironing done and some packages mailed.

Still, I feel oppressed and failed. 

I suppose this is all I can do: the best I can. Keep trying. Go swimming as often as I can get myself out of the house (did not happen today). 

I don't mean for this to be a diary or even a journal, but that seems to be all I am capable of at the moment.