|Photo by Samatrix Digital.|
I spent some time this evening shopping on line for front-yard fencing. Of course, investing much of anything on this makes no sense as there is a reverse mortgage here and I can hear the clock winding down. But I would like to reinforce our Northern boundary as well as putting in some plants I need to get out of my garden space. I need more room for vegetables we likely won't eat.
I must have about 13 tomato plant, many of them volunteers from last year. I think I am going to move a couple of them to a sunny spot in the front yard. On that note, the cucumber flowers, as well as eggplant, and tomatoes, so there should something edible in the next few weeks. I am hoping to spend most of the day weeding and transplanting the zucchini and whatever else I have grown from seeds. The names washed off seed starter containers, so I am not too sure what else I am moving.
Janet does enjoy the flowers. The calendulas are taking over, duking it out with the nasturtiums. The orange rose bush I gave to her for Mother's Day last year had about 12 blooms at one time. There is plenty of stock, pansies, Iceland poppies, California poppies, ranunculus, and snap dragons. The sunflowers have yet to bloom, but are enormous, dwarfing the young Meyer lemon tree.
I would that I had a better attitude about being here. As I mentioned yesterday, I am shuffling (reluctantly) towards a more peaceful and accepting attitude. With me, bien sur, there is always the danger of teetering into full-blown bummer land.
But depression isn't how I am really feeling right now, that's kind of a county or two away. This is more a heavy, still sadness. I realize this, this seeing the decline of my mother, is just a part of life but it is ... deafening? That's the word that came first. Heart deafening? The word lourd also came into my brain. I guess there is still some French floating around. The not-very-good French online dictionary defines it as "weighty" or "serious" so that applies.
It is weighty. And, for a change, my panic and regrets about my own life are not outweighing this "lourd"ness. Realizing how much responsibility I have to take for Janet is only now becoming clear. She was sad and lonely tonight, although I was home, sitting in the living room with my current craft obsession (embroidery ... don't laugh ... ), watching Scott and Bailey on HULU. Janet was pestering and peppering me with questions. I wasn't mean or rude, but I wasn't giving her too many answers. She decided to go lie down. This was about 8:00. I was concerned and tried to get her to read instead of more sleeping, should she not want to watch TV with me.
I am going to have to stop staying up late to be alone. I need to get up and get her out of the house. To a senior center or something. When her short term memory is extra short, even talking to friends on the telephone is a challenge.
It's just so fucking sad to see her so diminished. And I miss her. Albeit our relationship has been tempestuous, we talked all the time. When I had a life, I was forever calling her up to crow or cry. At this moment, I don't feel close to anyone (no flies on any of you, that's just how I am feeling right this second). There's that silent deafening echo of her slipping away.