WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOGCAST.2

The gulag weather has lifted and it is a lovely day. The Gay Pride March is going to be huge and fun and likely extra nutty. I'm not so big on parades, the Tractor Parade notwithstanding, and crowds, so, although I am thoroughly stoked and mentally dancing in the streets, I won't be part of the body count along Fifth Avenue. I've been through the "getting around routine" in Manhattan for the Halloween Parade and the Fourth of July fireworks enough times to never want to do that again.

apologia [ˌæpəˈləʊdʒɪə]

n

a formal written defence of a cause or one's beliefs or conduct

The last couple of days have been emotionally tumultuous. A formerly close friend of many many years decided to "school me" and shock me out of my 24/7 depressive self-indulgent misery. Who knew? This reader also took umbrage at my decision to publicly discuss my father's interest in porn and the effect it has had on me.

I was startled to discover that I had vilified my old dad. So I will set straight the record here. Walter was born in 1916 to barely literate parents. He was a fighter and a survivor and managed to rise above his humble beginnings and achieve much of the life he envisioned for himself.

He was a proud veteran of WWII and without a doubt, as I have said here before, his time serving the United States in the Navy was the glory and pride of his life.

My father was a good and well-meaning man. (And for the record, startlingly handsome in his younger days.) He was generally kind to animals. He was a first-class friend and I am quite sure that I inherited much of his generosity and loyalty to friends. And even if he did not embody everything John Wayne mythically stood for, he meant to.

Except he would not take any journeys to the interior. He was not prone to live the examined life. He did not want anything to change or escape his control and his vision. Not a "go with the flow" sort of person. After a certain point, he stopped being a striver.

So let it be clear: my father was not a bad guy. He was not a good parent for me in ways that I am learning about and examining now.

As I have said in this forum before, I have had levels of confusion that confused me. Some of the deep, psyche-forming messages I internalized from my imperfect parents have had an extremely negative affect on me. And some of those messages led my brother to aid and abet his own demons of demise.

It is my intention to figure out, track down, analyze, and examine those internalized messages and see if I can't change those that work against my success and happiness. Some of this is going to be painful and messy and angry and accusatory and who knows what else. And I will undoubtedly discuss and reveal as much as I can stand to reveal.

So, stop reading if you aren't interested and perhaps made to feel uncomfortable yourself.

I am not a victim.
I am not miserable.

I WILL NOT be quiet.