NOT (AT ALL) BAD DAD

Dark and wet all day, but no real rain. Hand-washed clothes won't dry. Muggy. Foreboding. Nice of the weather to collude with my internal ramblings.

I have had a couple of correspondences today with friends responding to my post yesterday. They seemed worth sharing.

M:
I'm thinking about what you said about Wally.  I imagine that what you were asking for would make a huge difference in his comment.  If it was frivolous or silly or unrealistic, it might not be a bad response, but if it was something reasonable and heartfelt and in fact something he could have provided, then dismissive and hurtful.  In general I hear how Wally has caused you emotional pain and left scars and that causes ambivalence for me as I was pretty fond of him.  And of course, I can be both fond of him and not approving of how he treated you and hurt you but, also of course, those are hard to hold at the same time.  So pretty much I keep them separate.

Moi:

M,

It wouldn't make a difference. It was all HIS view. And from what I understand about child psychology and good parenting, and I do do some work in that area, it was an inappropriate response for any child. Worse than "go the fuck to sleep." 

Wally was not a bad person. I think he was a good friend. And mostly a good father to Michael and David. I can't say the same for Carl and me. I know that he did not hurt me on purpose. We had that discussion before he died when I informed him of how uncomfortable, sexualized, invaded, and objectified he made me feel. He was appalled, hurt, and extremely sorry. So, all good in the interpersonal realm. But that doesn't mean I am not finding more ways that my vision was warped by him. And it can be fixed I think. And he is safe.

xo

M:

I never knew that you had a chance to tell Wally of your hurt feelings.  Wow.  That was pretty strong  and brave on your part.  And I'm glad Wally didn't brush you off or rationalize it. 

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R:

Hi Sally,

again I cannot comment... won't let me log in even though I can log in to my own blog (on the same system.)

Anyway, how old were you when you had these experiences with your Dad?

Moi:
0-49.
Why?

R:

So all of the time you were both on the planet.

Why? because what you quoted sound like things a Dad would say to a child, things that a child would not understand the full context of and take much harder than intended (or would be reasonable, children being totally unreasonable.)

Moi:

Sorry, R. It is a cynical and inappropriate way to speak to a child or anyone else who wouldn't know how much you are kidding. And he really wasn't kidding. He was saying he did not care, did not want to hear it, and there is no hope. A bad message to be putting out there. He said it to other people, like my mom, as well. Kind of like fuck you and whatever it is you want.

R:

Sure, not saying that is the right way to be to your kid, just going for a wider perspective. I don't know the man, if he was a mean S.O.B. or worn out and p.o.'d. What was his situation? His cross to bear? Who was telling him fuck you and what you want? Maybe it is the Christian in me, or the Buddhist, but what about forgiveness?

Moi:

I didn't say I didn't forgive him. I am merely trying to understand the roots of parts of my behavior and psyche that ill serves me. 

On the other hand, IT WAS HIS JOB to be kind, patient, and understanding. And to listen to me. So, he wasn't a great parent to me. I don't think he was a bad guy all around at all. 

My father was very seriously poor as a child. The best thing that ever happened to him was being in the Navy and it shaped every single aspect of his life after that. He did not do much to change his viewpoint or behavior for other situations or other humans. He had little to no insight into human beings. He had almost no empathy for his daughters. For instance, when my older sister found out that her husband had been cheating on her for their entire marriage, my father did not support her. He chose to be quiet and lament that his beloved son-in-law was out of his life. He did not take her side particularly. I am sure he felt bad about it, but he did nothing to allay her pain, did not try to spend more time with her or anything else. He just retreated. Because the important pain and disappointment was HIS pain and disappointment and he left it at that. 

R:

Interesting. Being poor will certainly create bitterness. The Navy is big thing too, very man oriented until recently, and even then not so much less.*  Did he see combat? 

I would say that many fathers of your dad's generation saw their job was to provide as best they could for their family, end of story. (And carry around guilt if not able to provide as well as one wants.) The emotional stuff was for mom to handle. And as is clearly your point, he wasn't too female friendly. 

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I am in no way trying to villify my father, inasamuch as I disapprove of some aspects of his behavior. I was the last person on this earth that he put his arms around. I fed him his last taste of strawberries and ice cream. Without question, he loved and, in the end, respected me, even if he did not understand me. 

Together, my parents encouraged me to be a loyal and, in a humanistic way, moral person. One of the benefits of my father's "male" treatment of me is that I have an excellent sense of direction and am a very good driver as well. I love movies, books, and history. I have a good "eye" for design and am a killer "flea market" buyer, all because of my father. 

My father overcame a lot of things besides poverty. He had a good life, really. His children loved and admired him, for the most part.

Just so you know it is not all bad dad.