ACCUMULATED CHOICES

Lucinda Williams has a song about Car Wheels on A Gravel Road. Last night, I had the lullaby of car wheels on a rainy night road, and it was sweet. There was lots of lightning, too, but not much thunder. Sleep is not coming easily to me, but at least I was cozy.


Finished Just Kids and can go back to re-reading Swann in Love (for the umpteenth time in English). 


Rather simultaneous to my reading the following passage


"He had for so long given up directing his life toward an ideal goal and limited it to the pursuit of everyday satisfactions that he believed, without ever saying so formally to himself, that this would not change as long as he lived; much worse, since his mind no longer entertained any lofty ideas, he had ceased to believe in their reality, though without being able to deny it altogether. Thus he had acquired the habit of taking refuge in unimportant thoughts that allowed him to ignore the fundamental essence of things."


Dear Dreamfarm Sue sent me this link to Buddhist Geeks with this


The Choosing to Die Syndrome

What is it? It’s the slow accumulation of decisions towards a fixed identity and away from the fresh aliveness of your life. It’s giving in to the prevailing views of what life is about, and the building up of habits and defenses that maintain those views. It’s the murder of curiosity, and the killing off of exploration. It’s the embracing of certain certainties in order to soothe to pain of living in an ever changing world.

We are clearly not the first people to experience confusion and ennui, but the easy access to mindlessness certainly makes dulling it all quite simple and seductive. Although I don't watch much television and even less reality tv, I certainly make-time-wasting-do with solitaire and catching up on the entire run of Roseanne on streaming Netflix. I fight with myself to get up and do even one small task, just one thing to improve and get on with my life.


I find it challenging to choose life and change and to keep on pushing. But, so far, I do.