THUS, WE CONTINUE IN LIMBO

It is, of course, one of life’s persistent disappointments that a great moral crisis in my life is nothing but matter for gossip in yours.

Phyllis Rose, Parallel Lives

It's getting on past my bedtime but I do want to get back to more consistent writing. I also want to thank so many of you for your declarations of support. I was most touched and overwhelmed.

By the way, I meant nothing negative towards any of you in including that quote, it is just true.

A roller-coaster has nothing on my emotions these past few days. I am dizzy and beyond weary with all the ups and downs and ifs and ands and buts of the current situation. And am learning with great force how hard it is to be in the universe of insecurity and not knowing.

I did a bit of a reality check thinking about those poor people in Gaza getting the shit and life beat out of them by Bibi Netanyahu. And one wonders what the actual fuck. I try to lighten up and alight on a bit of hope.

One thing gardeners have is hope. Having a garden is a manifestation of hope and future. 

I dragged myself to my Pilates/yoga session with Sonia today, although all I really wanted to do was fall into a deep sleep. However, I know I would like to maintain the abdominal muscles and agility I have worked for, so, although I was crying so hard as to be dizzy, I showed up (late) for my session. Undoubtedly, it was helpful and grounding. But the waves of overwhelming reality interspersed with the waves of grief and sorrow (a bad set if there ever was one) continued. 

So I stopped at my favorite nursery for more plants that I might not see grow into adulthood and fruition. But that's where the hope comes in. And the desire for beauty. And instead of cleaning the house and continuing to sort and organize, I chose some gardening time. 

I had no idea how attached one could get to one's garden. Of course, there is much to be done, always, but it does amaze me that I have grown 10 foot sunflowers (just starting to bloom) as well as a ridiculous amount of sweet peas. I will need to take some of these to Janet tomorrow.

After much hazzerai, it was found that Janet's rehab/pt benefit had reset BY ONE DAY and she was able to go to another facility to see if we can get her walking with a walker again. The last decaying meat locker just focussed on depleting her benefits and then planned to warehouse her while sucking her assets. I have experienced this before when my niece Anita was warehoused, but somehow that episode did not click in.

So tomorrow, I will go check out the new facility and see if I can find out a prognosis for her recovery. She did have another UTI of some sort. Thus, we continue in limbo.