NOT WHAT WE WANTED

Rene Magritte, The Art of Conversation, 1950

Hopefully, these fellows' conversation is switching them into that desired third dimension.

Been quiet in this corner, I know. I lack for outside inspiration or internal motivation. Just that one-foot-in-front-of-the-other business we all know too well. I have been skimming over the surface of depression like a skipped stone. Hopefully, I will keep skipping and not sink to the bottom of anything. The weltschmerz dogs me around, nipping at the exposed sad parts of my psyche. The continued pandemic, the idiotic rushes to judgment of Biden, climate change, added in with Mom care make a person sort of slow and prone to wanting to be spaced out.

I haven't gotten lost lately, except in watching The Wire. I happened upon an episode and then got caught up in watching beloved, lost Michael K. Williams. I dream about Bunk, and Clay, and Sindor, and Lester. Fortunately, I am halfway through Season Five so this obsession will end.

The weather has been so damn clement that it is throwing me off. Mentally, I am all hunkered down for the blazing hot of September and October, but instead, I had to put another blanket on Janet's bed and am wearing a sweatshirt sitting here at the desk (windows are still open, I like the fresh air). I haven't researched the meteorological background on this, but were I in the East, I would think Fall is in the air.

And besides Anita, there is other grieving going on. I miss my kitties EmmyLou and Oona. There was such much going on (Jan 6th riots and BLM/early pandemic) I could not bring myself to fully focus on their loss. And I am grieving the loss of my yoga studio. Had the pandemic not occurred, my practice and probably my mood would be very different. I know it is frowned upon to dwell upon the past and things that are no longer, but that's an intellectual choice not an emotional choice. And those feelings are still there. I know I am lucky that I contracted such a mild case and that my mom didn't get sick at all, but that positivity does not negate the sadness and loss. 

THE NEGATIVE VIRTUES

loneliness

is a luxury beyond the reach

of those who have no privacy left

and live in the hope

of its constant invasion

but to those

who have always been alone

it is a friend

poverty

gives us a sense of direction

when we don’t know which way to go

and when we walk

on the edge of its cliff

we never go mad we can’t afford to

fear

like courage and charity

begins at home and expands in circles

rocking all the boats it touches

and bringing in its wake

the last of the negative virtues

maturity

which is not what we wanted

but comes anyway when we realize

that the things we feared

as children

can no longer hurt us

and that we fear them no less

— Richard Shelton, Selected Poems, 1969-1981, University of Pittsburgh Press, Pittsburgh, 1982