NOR DO I EXPECT THE NIGHT

Sunday, 9.26

Really nothing to report. 'Twas a quiet quiet day with not much planned so that was a small victory, no? I did a bit of sewing with Christina in the evening, I had gone to the gym, and finished watching Succession so I am all set for the new season in a couple of weeks.

Really nothing I am thinking about. The weather has been unseasonably chill.  Although the sun did come out this afternoon, the day was largely lightly overcast. Just blah.

Monday, 9.27

Another day, hunkered down over needlepoint, streaming whatever I can find to add to the dull buzz and keep me occupied enough so that I am not thinking about the fact that I can't think nor really feel anything but (now) vaguely dissatisfied and bummed out. I did my gym time early today, thinking that I would be having dinner with friends in Long Beach, but plans changed. I took a nice bath in the afternoon and then followed that up with a 2.5 hour nap. No drinking. No over eating. No spending money. I feel rolled up like a hedgehog or hunch-backed for protection. 

DEAR LIFE

if I use my imagination

I can create a river

where I can fish

swim or drown myself

there are always choices

after I have eaten a bad meal

I do not demand my hunger back

nor do I expect the night

to be less cold

because I lack a coat

pain is a room I measure

each time I am in it

and each time I leave

I forget its dimensions

the wind blows over the desert

telling me nothing

but when I forget the force

to which broken stones complain

I will be lost

when I cannot feel the vine’s

need to hold onto something

or when I am happy

only in the presence of others

I will be lost

to the God of Joy

or the God of Sadness

I could tell everything

and each would accept my story

and claim me for his own

but to the God of Remorse

I have nothing to say

and no time to say it

I am holding on for dear life

as my chariot rolls

into the future

faster than I would have thought

possible on its square

wooden wheels

— Richard Shelton, Selected Poems, 1969-1981, University of Pittsburgh Press, Pittsburgh, 1982