WHERE IS MY SPRING?

Buds overhead.

My head hit the pillows at about 9 pm last night. While this level of exhaustion does appear from time to time, I rarely succumb to actually going to bed. More usually, I would waste time playing solitaire or watching something, but, as I could barely formulate a sentence, just going to bed seemed like the best option.

I didn't sleep all through the night, of course. The heater is still on, so at least one of my windows is wide open. At about 5 am, I heard, or thought I did, someone, in a nearly conversational tone, asking for 911 to be called. As I was deeply asleep, I waited for subsequent yelling, crying, or some other sign of distress to ascertain whether or not the request was real or my psyche in a panic.

Bench detail.

Much later ...

Well now isn't that interesting? I just saw an ad for a Filippina dating service on my site. One wonders how that might have ended up here. Oh well.

Bucking my usual tradition today, I took a shower and walked to the library before noon. My mood might have improved but my productivity is not particularly awe-inspiring.

I do think getting to bed early is a good thing and now that I look at the time, I realize it is 7:45 pm and I have not yet had dinner. I am sitting in my favorite trashed club chair watching the sunset through the branches of my still-naked tree and listening to Brad Meldhau. Trying trying trying to be of different cheer, to see possibility, to have hope, to find a job. Beating down the walls of what I know and how I do things to see how I might change and find an escape or a transition that puts me in a better place with forward motion and a new perspective.

Where is the sign of my spring?

But for now, food.

Sigh. Yes, I am trying to be good, to be different than I have been in ways that will lead me to be more secure and successful.

Yes. I try to make even a little bit of progress when I just want to disappear or freak out or space out.

I walked.
I returned library books.
I did the dishes.
I watched what I ate.
I did the hand washing.
And yet.
And yet.

There were many signs of spring in the park today. I tried to photograph the beauty of the budding magnolias and the patches of daffodils. I tried to enjoy the light and the air.

But the fear and the dread and the panic are near. And the confusion.

There was a time when I was not so bad. When my self-esteem and self-assurance were a bit higher. When I had confidence and felt I could do anything. I am at a loss as to where I went. And, of course, I feel as if it will never return or even be replaced.

I'm just putting it out there: Hey, Universe? It's time for me. Now.