IN COUNTRY

Today has been a difficult one. I have scarcely been outside. I was barely awake for much of the day. And not only was it a warm spring day, the heat was on in the apartment making it nearly unbearable for me. Sheesh.

In my focus on getting some boxes emptied and my apartment arranged, I am deep "in country." One of my friends used to say he was "deep behind enemy lines" trying to live his life. This attention to the details of my life feels utterly foreign.

And yet, I persevered. I did not give up. I think I made progress, but I am too focused on what is left to get much of view of what has been done. Truthfully, I feel I am in some psychic wrestling match or "come to Jesus" moment that my consciousness doesn't even understand. Is that all about facing up to my pack rat mentality? The long unattended paperwork? The unfinished projects that may well stay that way?

One of the things that has come up is feeling like I am living my life without any map. A feeling that I was improperly schooled in a dismaying and overwhelming number of ways.

To get things done I am literally picking up handfuls of detritius from a shopping bag. I might have a length of ribbon, a vintage button, a safety pin, a half-bag of cough drops, some scrap of moth-eaten yarn, and a couple of receipts. I just take each item and deal with it, as each has a destination, a place. The trying-to-sort-everything-into-piles-and-then-put-everything-away method does not work for me, never has. So I need to take each button, or pin or missing earring, or unmatched sock and put it all the way away.

I'll keep you posted. Company here in 10 days ...

I treated myself to beer and chips. I had consumed one beer in about 8 days, so I think I am due for a motivator or reward.