MANY INTRICATE PLANS

November 30th

I am having a hell of a time calming down and focussing enough to work on my yoga class in a mere three hours. The force of procrastination is strong within me, as are the spirits of the existentialists who cause me to wonder why be alive? why do anything? I am trying to motivate myself by remembering why I wanted to teach in the first place: to share my pleasure and the benefits of yoga, as well as to supplement my income when I get Social Security, if the United States Government exists in any form by the time I get there.

So, having recalled my purpose, I will give that lesson plan another shot. Thanks for your help.

December 9th

That first class was a bit shaky as they kept changing the room on me. I had planned to do things at the wall but we ended up in a room where that wasn't possible. I was fairly dispirited that day. I continued to wonder why I thought teaching yoga would be a good idea. Then I recalled that I had a studio and a good regular practice that provided me with the confidence and inspiration to teach. Without that, it is a bit harder.

As a point of fact, I should be writing my class for tonight now. I have begun to sketch out some ideas. Last class was fairly easy to write and even better to teach because only three people showed up which gave me plenty of time to give everyone adjustments and so forth. One woman was impressed enough with the one class she took to bring a friend and they have to drive 20-25 minutes. That is a bit ... daunting. But a shout-out to Sonia, Susan, and Karen whose encouragement I feel when I get stuck.

Today is sprinkley and very grey. Janet and the cats think it is very cold. I do have on a sweater and slippers, so there must be some merit to their argument. Adding to that sadness was this morning's news that one of the Domineers, Jimmy, passed away this morning. Although he could be a pain, given his volubility and penchant for rhyming everything, he was very good-natured and quite an enthusiastic yogi. 

Of course, I cannot tell how Janet feels about it. She is generally sanguine about these sorts of things. The difficulty comes in trying understand if she is wise and just pushing away emotions, for which an argument could be made that that is wisdom as well. I, however, see it as more of her obtuse, pushing away her emotions.

Nina is driving me crazy with her thinking she wants to be outside. I have made the grave error of letting the cats out the window next to my desk. Now they think the laptop is part of the thoroughfare to the outside. I know if I let her out, she will only want to come in again, as is their way.

I, as is not uncommon, am sad, not only about Jimmy, but the grey day. And my usual musings about how to process and grieve what you didn't (and did) do with your live as you head into the last (hopefully) quarter or so. I am working hard on identifying places to let go of things and to understand that I am unlikely to do the things I thought I would do when I hit permanent unemployment. (Retirement is for the intelligent planners and successful.)

I cleaned my oven yesterday and hated every second of it.

Nina pretending to be a good kitty.

ORDINARY TIME

A Thursday — no — a Friday someone said.

What year was it?

Just after the previous age ended, it began.

And although the scientists still studied the heavens

and the stars still blazed — and if the evening wasn’t cloudy —

what happened did not occur in public view.

Some said it simply didn’t happen, although others insisted they knew

    all about it

and made many intricate plans.

— Marie Howe, The Kingdom of Ordinary Time, Norton, New York, 2008