ON THE JOB TRAINING

 45 of #100daychallenge

Clarity. I washed some windows and was most pleased with the result, clarity. This, of course, led me to reflect on ways I might get more of it. 

Relying on progress and process is a hard lesson to learn. I am trying to lose some weight at my doc's request. I joined Weight Watchers which has worked for me in the past. However, I find myself losing my way at some point each day. This program (or none that I know of) doesn't track the little victories, the subtle changes of habit that can lead to a sustained and sustainable change of habit. I have to do that for myself, which means staying calm and looking for clarity.

As I continue to attempt to sort my life's accumulated goods and find myself overwhelmed, I am going to try clarity and wider vision as goals, or frames of reference for making decisions. I want clean, clear tabletops, shelves, and counters. I need to better negotiate with myself to have left.

One thing that makes some of the deaccessioning a challenge is the "what if" scenarios from our past informing our future. What if I need those high heels for a wedding (as if my knees would allow heels anymore, as if it were safe to be trundling around and dancing in heels as I did as a younger person, gosh, as if my feet weren't too wide for most of my heels just due to my being barefoot almost all the time)? As if I were going to need that nicer jewelry I bought to accessorize for my corporate jobs (hard to believe I ever had one, but I did). Do I need so many nice clothes since I am so often in my gardening rags or yoga clothes ... or my nightwear. (Does anyone else out there like clothes as objects but not so much to wear them?).

Today was another low accomplishment day if one looks at the clean-up projects around, and that is usually my standard of self-judgment. I did get my TB test results (negative) and turn in the other paperwork for teaching in the City (although that seems to be in some question for June). I gave my cousin Shelly a nice neck, head, upper back, and arm massage. Like yoga, I find massage fascinating, feeling the knots and playing around with working them out as well as working with the subject to get them to release.

And the Domineers class is a wonder. I even find the process of learning to teach enthralling. I was definitely on the grump stump when I got to class. It is a lot to get Janet out of the house, have her lunch ready, and get there on time. By the time all the shifting and shuffling are done, I rarely start to teach by 11:30. I seem to have a pretty natural rhythm for 60 minutes without extensive planning or a set agenda (although I do want a bit more structure, but perhaps that will come to me). I try to introduce an element of an asana each week. Today, it was forward folding and also a little bit of twisting, This class often feels more like physical therapy, which I am not sure I have any business teaching, than yoga. But there are the hallelujah moments when you see Jimmy gain 35% more shoulder mobility than when he walked into class. 

As I might have written about here back in the mists of time, there are times when I don't feel real or that I have any weight or authority, times when I don't feel like whatever I am doing is the real time I am doing it, that I am simulating or practicing or even fantasizing for a time when it will be more real. I have no idea if that made any sense. There are holes in my personality wherein I don't take myself seriously and it is all "as if" or "could be like" when it is fact, ON. NOW. 

I know one of my teaching challenges will be teaching breathing because I am not always that focussed on it. If I am being led, I do fine, but now I have to master my own breath and lead others. I think the Domineers would be fine with my teaching a breathing class, but, at this point, they are nearly yearning for the exercises and instruction that makes them more flexible and able, so I usually give in and take them through their favorites. 

In this way, I would that the pandemic and my teacher training had not coincided so neatly. I could have used shadowing and assisting for a few months. This is not to say that I lack confidence because I don't. Teaching chair yoga and people who need a slower pace feels thoroughly natural. Oh well, on the job training.

Then again, isn't most of life "on the job training"?