Oh, how that depression is a serpent, trying to coil all around you, squeeze you for dear life. At least, that's how it feels today.
I am not maniac depressive in the truest sense, more of a depressive depressive. However, I do have rushes of ups and downs in short periods of time. Depression often makes me think of the Lou Reed/Velvet Underground song, Heroin. Not that I am planning on taking any. Depression keeps me away from alcohol and anything else that might interrupt my attempts to be in a better space.
"I guess but I just don't know."
Unemployment and age are a fucking tough row to hoe these days. Every day is a run toward that huge wall you must get over. Each try to get a job, look for work, make a connection, and then fail is a body blow of disappointment and anxiety, leaving you stunned (even if your hopes were low) and out of breath.
I imagine PTSD feels like this. You are always worried about "incoming:" bill collectors, financial surprises, health issues ...
Then again, a quick trip to the New York Times says
"It is time for you to stop all of your sobbing."
Some crazy and maybe frightening things going on all around the world. Relatively speaking, I've got it pretty good.
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Wish I had something inspiring to say. I'm hoping that I will at least make it to 60 being more or less employed. My dad lost his job before his retirement really kicked in, at a younger age than I am now. Feeling more than a little useless in the scheme of things. Yet having fun with my Andean literature class, the mournful nature of the indigenous people in tune with my mood. I'm hoping for no flooding as the thunderclaps and the rain keeps going. Cosmo went to the window to check on things, found things a little scary, and came back. I'm not hoping for school to be cancelled, since I made some food for the andean class. using huacatay paste--andean black mint. hope Gaddafi
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At the moment I'm kind of optimistic...The feeling could change any moment, but, right now: I'm well (though husband & daughter are sick); I have a schoolteacher husband who to a significant extent supports us (his probable June retirement frightens me); I've recently been offered 3 very cool music gigs (though getting paid much is iffy), I'm currently teaching 4 classes (though last session there were none & who knows about the next?); I just had 2 cups of coffee & have a free day to practice music, go to the Y, write, maybe to to my drawing group (but with my daughter home sick, have no space to myself once she & her radio station are awake). So the bipolar possibilities loom, but I'm caffeinated & ready for it to be a good day.
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