A morning spent bickering with the Janet can really set off a spiral of frustrated depression. I have so much to do and the heart and spirit go out of me after wrangling with her. I know I should just let it go. I should be of good cheer. I should. I should. I should get something done.
Meanwhile, the cats are circling me like hungry sharks. I don't think it is hunger that causes their perambulations. I am sitting at the desk overlooking the garden. A human to harass is too much for them to ignore. But the desk is really narrow. And there are papers every where. Getting access to me is not easy.
The next day wherein it is rainy rather than just cold (for California).
I am feeling a bit Verlaine-esque ("it rains in my heart/as it rains in the village"). All week I have felt on the cusp of tears, exhaustion, and sadness. Apprehensive. Unsettled. Except in the morning, when I am all warm under the covers with Scotch wicking heat off of me, somewhere nearby. The rain will be getting worse tonight. I am sure the nasturtiums and poppies are quite ready to go off once the sun returns. Hopefully, some of my bulbs will be similarly inspired.
The garden is coming along, albeit slowly. I am trying to train myself, yes, even at this late date, to be a bit more methodical and reign in my gardening (and other) aspirations. That said, I did order some special poppy and lavender seeds. The lavender is allegedly better for cutting than the French and English varieties I now have. I splurged (after all it is my birthday month!) and bought myself some elbow-length rose pruning gloves so that I might contain the many brambly plants in my custody: 4 bougainvillea, boysenberry vines, and roses, including a Happy Chappy that is taking over the front bed.
I am tempted to better dress myself to go out and prep some seeds to enjoy this rain and get a proper Spring start.
GALAPAGO
As one reiterates
oneself day after day,
it's not uncommon
to see non dominant
traits diminish
and self stray
toward the cartoonish.
As though the self were
a straightening Galapago
where not everything was
going to stay affordable.
Say a stylized struggle
were currently under way
among the finches
whereby the few brighten
while the species vanishes.
— Kay Ryan, The Best of It: New and Selected Poems, New York, Grove Press, 2010
We had a very emotional Memorial service yesterday for a dear friend, I'm right there with you about not getting stuff done, and a warm bed with cats. There is no shame in any of that. Chores will still be there tomorrow, but healing and comfort is more important.
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