I'M GETTING CLOSER

Yellow roses, December blooms.

11:01 a.m.

1) Just for the record, because I get the feeling that some of y'all out there think this is a record of depression more than of a fight to make it better, I woke up this morning before the alarm, 45 minutes early. Yes, it's true that I was out of bed and at my editorial battlestation about 7:45.

2) Why is it that I can find jobs for other people but not for myself? In the past week, I have stumbled across 3 excellent job opportunities for friends who all asked "how the hell did I find them?" ...

3) As to my recent psychic injury, I am still feeling it, but I am not so "under it" as yesterday. I am still unclear how to deal with the totality of it, but, though I am about to take a mid-morning nap, but early day work being satisfactorily done, I don't plan to sleep the day away.

11:15 p.m.

The day was not as productive as I would have liked. Does anyone EVER feel as it enough was completed? And I am even less sure about any redeeming social value. And why am I tired? I have lots of reasons. I may be (under)(un)employed, but I am not eating even stale bon bons and painting any toenails. I'm always busy and I always have something to do. (Although I did play some solitaire and listen to the audiobook of the compelling and ludicrous Book Two of Song of Ice and Fire.)

What I find most interesting is how I feel as now that I have just a bit of breathing room cash, I treated myself to some junkier foods and feel it. Nothing outrageous: pizza, vanilla ice cream, and that cheesy popcorn. Smart food? Well, I can tell I have eaten crummier stuff. That's a good thing if it makes me choose the better options.

This morning I was low enough in the larder (but packing plenty of onboard lard), and I didn't really get anything to eat early enough. I had a bit of bread and even that did not go down well. This afternoon I waddled down to the bank (huzzah! and what an unusual occasion that was) to drop off my social media money and the bracelet cash. I went to the grocery store on the way back. That was a challenge. What to buy??? I spent a heady $51! And I did, much to my current chagrin, buy that damn SmartFood popcorn because I was hungry and had a walk and I couldn't think of anything else. I came home and finished the ice cream. And for the next several hours, I just felt slightly ... cruddy? Which continues to this moment.

Note bene to self. Eat. Well.