Early in witching hours. And I took a nice nap today, so sleep might be aways away. Actually, it was more than a nap; it was a needed escape from some stress and reality, a time-out from an emotional day.
What I don't talk about so much here is how difficult it is for me to act as my own advocate. I am such a natural born brainstormer/cheerleader/enthusiast that I am always ready to put on a show in the barn and I'll sew the costumes, and make sure the hard-to-get moneybags banker is there or his softer-hearted wife. The show goes on. The money is raised. The star goes off to bigger and better things. And I am left with not too much.
Okay, so this is not a perfectly formed metaphor, but I let my generosity for people, ideas, and causes get the upper hand on what I need and worked for, and quite possibly deserve. Between the idealism of the 1960s and the importance of helping one another from my socialist-raised mom, it feels like that was the only message I got. Take care of and help others and they will take care of and help you.
Not so.
I am not whining here. This is not to say that everyone fucks me over. I'm saying I don't take care to make sure I am valued and properly protected. I'm pretty sure this is connected to those BOUNDARY issues we hear about so much. Oh, and the low self esteem stuff.
So today, I had to stop the brainstorm and enthusiasm trains and take a minute to express my concerns and discomforts. And being that it was with someone very dear to me, it was enormously difficult. And hugely important.
Stop That Train.
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I want you to know how much I value you--and I can only hope that it comes through. I'm so glad you did! And I'm so impressed that you used the words "concerns and discomforts." What happens to me is, I get to a certain point of frustration and then either blow up or shut down--neither of which does much good. Bravo!
ReplyDeleteI think we are all valued much more than the people around us have the ability to show us. I think, short of simple "thank you"s which may be full of gratitude and awareness of value, or empty habit, that sincere expressions of: "yes, I value you, who you are, what you do" may be more common than we think, just hard to read, telegraphed toward us in other ways, and, despite our need to hear them, unexpressed. (I don't recommend going through major health issues like I did to find this out, but it was a wonderful lesson to have learned). And I value your ability to express your honest feelings each day!
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