FULLY, THE FOLLY

Now, let's see if this works. "This" is writing again. In the morning. Just after coffee. Before clothes and bed-making. I do need to do those things soon.

I never fell all the way asleep last night. That is quite frustrating, as I didn't stay up too late, nor drink alcohol, nor neglect to take my meds. Perhaps Butterscotch is soaking up all the available deep sleep vibes.

She's in with Janet tonight, so maybe I will get to sleep better. Zora Idris and Oona Minnie are still playing as I hear their bird bells ringing as they rush up and down the hall. (Butterscotch just walked in.)

I don't feel at all sleepy, just tired and sad. I managed to miss the SOTU but did read that fuckmonkeyshitgibbonexcrementtoupee is all excited about "clean coal." I had to stop after that as I was about to take to FB to rant. And why. My peeps are with me, and they are probably better informed than I am.

Part of my sadness is watching my mother decline, inch by inch. She was doing better there for awhile, then we took a break from her physical therapy and things seemed to go downhill. She has complained of light-headedness. I was going to take her blood pressure to see how that is, but the machine was not in the box ... and given the state of messiness in her room, it could be anywhere.

I think about aging all the time. I see it everywhere, well, because of course it is everywhere. But I feel it. I really think my denial brain had some illusions that my mother would "get better." I fully realize the folly of this, but the heart wants what it wants and it wants my mother more as she was.

She can be mean and trying, but I know I need to take even better care of her. I am very distracted with my own piles of crap (physically, morally, and spiritually). I need to re-prioritize so that I spend more time with her in the evenings. These things can be dealt with, however, I am just sad and whiny at the moment.

Do you all feel joy regularly? Contentment, if not happiness? I don't mean for flashes here and there, moments, hours and even days. I mean for a longer stretch, weeks or months, when your fallback is some kind of overall life groove. I have felt this. There were times when I was happy at my job for long stretches, even if there were ups and downs. Maybe a lack of outside-the-caregiving-identity is part of the issue.

My half-sister is on morphine now, so she will be gone in a day or two or three. That loss lurks on the outskirts of my consciousness most of the time. She hasn't had a happy life. She cannot recover from her condition, but, you know, she was the only big sister I ever had. I worshipped the ground she walked on when I was a toddler and she was a teenager. She was feisty and sexy and funny and sad.

We've discussed it before ... the darkness around us is deep.

And, no doubt, the political stress continues to haunt us, like birds caught in a oil slick. Even Dawn won't wash off the despair, shock, and disappointment in ourselves as well as our government. There's the stench of embarrassment permeating the atmosphere, which is probably why some of us spend so much time wringing our hands and complaining loudly.

Baying at the moon, our eclipsed beings, our being eclipsed by stupidity, perfidy, lust, and concupiscent consumerism. More! More! More! Too bad I can't footnote.

Okay, I should wrap this up and try to sleep. I set my alarm to get up to look at the eclipse and all. I hate getting up at that time.

While it seems cruel to leave you with a disco song, I cannot find an adequate poem so ...

Ooh, how do you like your love
Ooh, how do you like your love

But if you want to know
How I really feel
Get the cameras rolling
Get the action going
Baby you know my love for you is real
Take me where you want to
Then my heart you'll steal

More, more, more
How do you like it, how do you like it
More, more, more
How do you like it, how do you like it
More, more, more
How do you like it, how do you like it

Ooh, how do you like your love
Ooh, how do you like your love

But if you want to know
How I really feel
Just get the cameras rolling
Get the action going
Baby you know my love for you is real
So take me where you want to
Then my heart you'll steal

More, more, more
How do you like it, how do you like it
More, more, more
How do you like it, how do you like it
More, more, more
How do you like it, how do you like it

But if you want to know
How I really feel
Get the cameras rolling
Get the action going

More, more, more
How do you like it, how do you like it
More, more, more
How do you like it, how do you like it
More, more, more
How do you like it, how do you like it