ANY STEP COULD BE THE FIRST

First off, thank you so much for your responses to my return to writing. Your encouragement means very much. Share with your friends, if you like.

Janet is having a vacant day today. She went to bed at 9:00 pm out of boredom. This worries me. I was out of the house all day, from 7:45 until 7, so her only stimulation was The Golden Girls, Two and Half-Men, and that awful Tim Allen show. The idea that laugh tracks and the hideousness that is Shark Tank is her amusement depresses me.

Later that same day.

I am supposed to be going to sleep by 10:00 and getting up before 6:00 which I have actually been slouching toward since I started going to morning classes. Although I love the Monday morning class, I haven't been going due to the buzz of petty annoyances and health blips. After two days of teacher training, I need to let some absorption take place instead of forging on in the usual routine.

Hard to know whether to philosophize about being with Janet or get all revved up about teacher training.

AGE

As some people age
they kinden.
The apertures
of their eyes widen.
I do not think they weaken;
I think something weak strengthens
until they are more and more it,
like letting in heaven.
But other people are
mussels or clams, frightened.
Steam or knife blade mean open.
They hear heaven, they think boiled or broken.

— Kay Ryan

Kinden isn't in any on-line dictionary and I don't want to go slogging through my print dictionaries when I should be asleep. I take it to mean getting younger or to become childlike. Thoughts?

Janet feels like that "something weak strengthens" to me. However, I don't think all of our household barneys are her fault. And there are times, when I can be more open, less stressed, and less focussed on fighting my way through the stuff, storm und drang jungle I have created both psychologically and physically, I nearly ache at her disorientation and vulnerability.

Neither of us is very willing to be vulnerable. Age seems to bring on a whole lot of that against one's will. In our case, this seems to be exacerbated by historical distrust and frustration. Sometimes I am so deep behind my own enemy line that I hear myself being sarcastic, or hard to get along with, rather than softening into kindness and compassion. There's a part of me that is ruled by my anger and frustration and perhaps some needing of revenge for those slights.

This mean and petty part goes against my self-image and aspirations to be a kind person, a compassionate person. Perhaps having articulated it here, I can let go of a bit of the carapace of revenge and see my mother for the vulnerable 93-year old she is. I've got to look at what I gain, besides self-protection in some of these situations.

I know, for instance, that she would like me to hug and kiss her goodnight but I have not been able to do so. I could relieve some of her arthritic pain with massage. I have a lot of resistance to these things. I don't trust her to not take further advantage of me. She can act like that ridiculous cat and try to lord it over me. I don't respond well to that.

I think at least one brother would agree with some of this assessment of Janet, that there is something faked or forced in her affectionate interactions with us. There is some negative power dynamic that slows or stops genuine response.

Well, I'll say it here now, that I am going to try to do better, be kinder, and more patient. She craves my approval and like an asshole, I withhold it. That doesn't do anything any good. But she still has the power to infuriate me like no one this side of an Orangemoronimmoralshitgibbon can.

The early word on teacher training is that it is so fun, it feels more like an indulgence than a training. I can ask almost all the questions I want any time I want. And you get so much attention and encouragement! find it easier to face my fears, faults, and shortcomings in that training space. Which may mean I am taking steps to be more of my true self, show some courage.

There are four other students, three young women and a fellow who is probably closer to my age in the group. K is a kinesiology almost-grad from CSULB so she brings a lot of interesting information to bear. I don't know much about L yet, other than she has two young sons, and has been in and out of a serious practice for awhile. A is a cat lover and got into yoga from the spiritual aspect to begin with. S, the fellow, is one of the best yogis that I have seen at the studio. I feel old and loud, but that is kind of interesting.

I generally keep my spiritual side to myself. I am fully willing to proselytize about music, politics, literature, and food, but spirituality is personal. And my spirituality waxes, wanes, and transmutes. The preachers of my religion are Van Morrison and Aretha Franklin, or the shredding of Richard Thompson or Ry Cooder.

However, ayurvedic practice and all the eight limbs of yoga are part of the training so I have to keep my skepticism to a minimum.

I talk the talk of being open to change, but given what I am investing in this, I might as well walk the walk and see what happens. My immediate observations, which were really not about the practice but about looking at food and other forms of exercise and excess, was that changing might not look or feel like I think and project they will look and feel like. Does that make sense?

Enough for tonight. Oona Minnie Pearl Moonlight does not much like me being gone so long so is insistent about following me around, demanding attention when I get in. Of course I am in my usual what-needs-to-be-done-what-can-I-make-even-a-little-progress-on-did-anyone-throw-up-anwhere mode. We will see how this all goes.

I did manage to get the Oysterband CD, Deserters, into the player yesterday. Although most of the song We Could Leave Right Now doesn't obtain to my current state, I was particularly taken with a couple of lines: Any step could be the first and don't be afraid.



WE COULD LEAVE RIGHT NOW
- Alan Prosser and Ian Telfer

We could leave right now
We could just walk away
It wouldn't cost a thing
Hardly anyone would see
The wind would hide our tracks
The clouds would fill our shoes
Don't be afraid
Don't be afraid

We could leave right now
Any step could be the first
Any word could be the last
Any door would do
We can forget our names
Forget each other's faces
Don't be afraid
Don't be afraid

Put down the music and talk
Your rumours and your regrets
Fading silhouettes
All you need to do is walk away
Don't be afraid
Don't be afraid

Put down the music and talk
Your rumours and your regrets
Fading silhouettes
All you need to do is walk away