MAKES YOU REALIZE

Beaming with apparent normalness.

I’ve been down but not like this before

That line resonates in so many ways. Looking at the news and the utter terrible disgustingness of Trump and what it means to be living in this country gobsmacks me into looking for a little ledge of perspective on which to attempt to assess where I am in life. (Now that was a Proust-worthy sentence.) I suppose an easier way to say that would be simply "Where the fuck am I? And what the fuck now?"

I am drawn to the complex. Jeez, I am losing my words here. I almost wrote "I am drawn to the complicated." Now I am wondering if they are the same thing. Okay, so I looked it up and I am still confused but it is good to know I am not alone. Complex versus complicated. I need to spend more time musing on this, but do let me know your thoughts if you have any.

Whether it is complex or complicated, this strand of thought arose as I listened to music and sorted my life ... that is an ongoing process, no where near even a reasonable stopping place ... I have a (fatal? well, discouraging, at least) attraction to the multi-layered and colorful. 

You might well ask, well, what the fuck is she rambling about? I am trying to understand, get a handle on my insanity. Unravelling the "how I got here." To be sure, I am not sure if it matters so much, but you all know how I love a good narrative.

In the midst of all of this, I have had an odd and unseasonable mosquito infestation in my room. The number has dwindled down, but I cannot even figure out how they got here. And mosquitos in November? California is so hot and dry I have kind of given up on my hair. 

I am the Tour d'Argent for mosquitos. And I am also allergic to them. We can safely say I have been miserable, being riddled with bites. The worst of it seems to be over, but I have many small wounds from where I scratched. They couldn't get a me very well last night, so I have around 10 on my two hands which were the only parts sticking out of covers. 

Time to take Janet to the Senior Center.

Although this post is not very satisfying, I need to let it stand and get on with shoveling my life. 

 ALL THAT YOU DREAM

I've been down, but not like this before
Can't be 'round this kind of show no more
All, all that you dream
Comes to shine in silver lining
And clouds, clouds change the scene
Rain starts washing all these cautions
Right into your life, make you realize
Just what is true, what else can I do
Just follow the rule
Keep your eyes on the road that's ahead of you
I've been down, but not like this before
Can't be 'round this kind of show no more
All of the good, good times were ours
In the land of milk and honey
And time, time has its scars
Rainy days they turn to sunny ones
Livin' the life, livin' the life lovin' everyone
I've been down, but not like this before 

Can't be 'round this kind of show no more

Paul Barrere and Bill Payne