SHE'S SO HARD TO FIND

The grey is truly leaden and flattening today (which I suppose is better than fattening which every thing else seems to be). The green always looks good against the grey, but it isn’t very heartening, all in all, not like the blue sky and random high clouds can be.

It’s damp out there, having rained sporadically throughout the last night and day. It is warm enough and, really, dry enough to take one of those walks I am having such a difficult time attending to once again. I suppose the prospect of listening, while I walk, to another hour of Marmee and Louisa, which I am devouring instead of Proust (I still have two weeks to go before the next book group! and I am only three hundred pages from the end now ...) is some kind of impetus.

I'm in one of the those anxiety-tinged-uncomfortable-in-my-own-skin phases, not knowing where I will be in a few weeks or even how I should get there. I am tempted now to get up and go out as writing this is making me more so uncomfortable. I don't know if it is the weather or the allergies or my exertions in furniture refinishing, but my hands and finger have been bothering me all week, which is one reason why I have not gone back to those projects. I might have over done myself early in the week.

The pollen this week has been unusually terrible, and it well be that my general not-feeling-great is mostly due to that, although I am not following my healthier regime of better eating, walking, and no alcohol. I think I am angry with myself, to add to my usual feelings of being disappointed in myself. I feel myself wanting to float back down into the "comfort zone" of denial and depression and not exerting myself in the other direction. I want to soothe myself into not being with reading and narrative watching (it doesn't seem right to call it tv as it doesn't matter if it is tv or a movie or  ... just time-wasting internet surfing).

So, to this end, for the moment, I am going to put on my shoes, take some allergy medication, and get a walk in. That does often change my energy, so we shall see. 

The walk helped but I can scarcely keep open my eyes, so I am not going to try. This evening's soundtrack is Rock and Roll Woman by Buffalo Springfield. (By no means, watch the video as it is execrable. The sound quality is okay.) Maybe it's just the last line, "she's so hard to find ..." You know, Stephen, I know the feeling.