July 20
"You cannot walk out your grief, ...or absolve yourself of your survival, or bring anyone back. You are left with the desire only that things not be as they are."
— Colin Thubron, To A Mountain in Tibet
Sigh. No matter my intentions to write, there are always interruptions. Right now, Mouche, the foster kitten I bottle fed is trying to chew on my iPad cord. Cute, of course, but annoying. He is soon to get neutered and put up for adoption. However, he is ridiculously bonded to me. I hope he can bond with someone else. It will be hard to let him go, but it must be so.
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| Baby Mouche and Janet |
I find myself ... well, not hyper-emotional, but very easily started to tears. It happens most often with music. I don't know that this is anything to be judged, but it did not happen so frequently before.
Here are a couple that have moved me to spontaneous tears:
Hoyt Axton - Evangelina, Bread and Roses, UC Berkeley, 1977 (gets really good at about 1:20 or so. Wish I knew who was in his back-up band. Also, I was there.)
Joni Mitchell, A Bird That Sings, Chalk Mark in the Rain
Although I think I had picked up this album, I had not given it a good listen. This one showed up on random shuffle; it was instant love.
I stopped at Trader Joe's after Saturday Morning Yoga, which wasn't so much yoga, but stretching and kibitzing. I had just spent an hour after class chatting with SV. For the moment, I felt reasonably well or the denial fog had me covered. After shopping, as I was putting my groceries in the car, I saw a man with his two sons on a median, asking for help. I am always wary of these things, but something about them really moved me. I don't think you bring two little boys, under 6, to sit with you in a parking lot unless you really need to. I nearly sobbed. Knowing that I can have intense reactions to things that I later regret, I refrained from giving him the $50 I had just gotten. I walked over to him with a measly $10. He didn't speak English very well, but was very sweet and appreciative. I then went to buy a thoughtless, expensive café latte. I saw one large snickerdoodle and I bought it for the boys. I also grabbed a bottle of mineral water from my trunk and took them over. Even the boys thanked me.
I suppose I am anticipating being in need of a good deal of support with the erosion of our social safety net ... or is that wanton heartless destruction? ... The thought that this man could not keep his family safe AND that they could easily be picked up and deported knifed me in the heart. Maybe I am a sucker, but at least I tried to manifest some good in the world.
I still don't watch much news, nor read in depth. I had to take a step back to preserve what functionality I actually still have. Again, I try to keep myself from blood-pressure-rising-outrage at SCOTUS decisions, the unilateral evil and cowardice of what is called Congress, and even a thought of the beyond idiotic OrangeShitGibbon.
The racism of this dictatorship is what strikes me the most often. The other horrors I rather expected. But the vehemence of prejudice, without any pretense to be otherwise, stops me in my tracks and lays me low.
I am "amused" at the lawsuits coming from the rational people. The rule of law and the Constitution are clearly over. No one in our purported government is going to slow down the destruction. Law suits are useless because SCOTUS will rule for evil every time. But maybe spitting in to the wind is a good thing.
That reminded me of one of my favorite dBs' songs, Spitting in the Wind. Not all of the lyrics track, but suing the dictatorship feels like this to me.
I can understand why you'd want a better man
But why you wanna make him outta me?
Well, I just muddle along, knowing my right from wrong
Why won't you let me be?
We split apart one cold gray rainy afternoon
And I cried aloud
Now we walk along, apart but strong
Strong enough so that we don't have to stand back in the crowd
Sometimes I feel
I feel like I'm spitting into the wind
Oh I'm spitting into the wind
But I'm learning
Yes I'm learning
My hair stands on end whenever friends mention your name
In pleasant conversation
Well, I don't like to be reminded of what used to be
I don't like the association
Sometimes I feel
I feel like I'm spitting into the wind
Oh I'm spitting into the wind
But I'm learning
Yes I'm learning
— Peter Holsapple
You might want to check out Leah Litman. Here's her recent appearance on The Daily Show. She and two others have a podcast about the Supreme Court, Strict Scrunity.
Dear Sally, good to see your posts. I have a cat which adopted me. She was under the car. I got her to come to me for food and thought, "Man, this can needs to be de-wormed!" Alas, well into street pregnancy and not worms. Then she moved under the back deck and gave birth to 6, yes 6, kittens. She brought them in the house, one by one, and put them in a box I provided. Then I had one plus 6 cats to contend with. The little fuckers where everywhere knocking things down, climbing up towels and wrecking havoc! I finally got a "childless cat woman" to adopt them all. Her apartment smelled of cat urine. I asked no further questions... I see by your posts how depressed and upset you are. I am surrounded by progressive people like you, God Bless them all, and the sense of incoming cosmic mortars and political social and moral catastrophe is so thick I could use it for corn bread. Biblical. Old Testament. The republic is going down FAST motherfucker! My god-daughter, who is slightly nuts and takes meds for depression and OCD goes into a spiral of deep dark and, from my perspective, deluded ideation. I attempt talk her out of it, pointing out that none of us are getting out of this alive and most of humanity has never had it so good. I think you may be suffering from a deep moral concern, a catastrophic mindset and depression. When I read your list of news sources I was a bit shocked. All ideologically captured and temporarily defeated extremely bias leftist sources. You may disagree. When I lived in the UK the Guardian made me nuts. They have been calling out the end of the world for some time now. Of course there is cause for concern, but separating the depression and catastrophic mindset from the garden hose of doomscrolling isn't easy. Not that you are wrong, I am just concerned. Try Ground News. Every article rated for bias and separated into left right and center. My brain better and more centered when I get all the narratives. Much love, Terry Lee
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