DAYS PASS AND THIS EMPTINESS

I am somewhat loathe (MS word wants me to change this to loath but they are wrong) to write this morning. I had a glorious and pleasurable nearly-12 hour sleep, waking up to less depression and exhaustion. This should be a great opportunity to tackle some of those necessary but procastinatable chores (why isn’t that a word? can anyone think of another adjective there?). Wish me luck with the kitchen and bathroom floors. I mean, I did manage to clean the refrigerator last week, so there is hope.

Janet has an appointment with the orthopedic doctor today to get a shot in her knee. When the weather moves toward clemency (and yes that is a legitimate use of the word), I hope to get her exercising. She is more disoriented being so alone so much of the time, but is able to snap to when she is on the telephone. The other night she was in so much pain from her arthritis that she was crying. Of course, getting her to take some analgesic or anything is near impossible. I have two different kinds of cbd ointment for her. I think I just have to make a practice of massaging her neck and shoulders every day.

Remarkably, we are getting along pretty well. For some reason, my reserves of patience are a bit deeper than they have been in days of yore. Perhaps the restrictions on movement make me calm down a bit. For the most part, we don't have a schedule. And she is trying to participate, voluntarily doing the dishes.

The dementia advances. She makes comments that are entirely out of nowhere for me. She apologizes for being a bad mother. It is all very hard. I am glad that I worked out most of my hostility before this.

I could really use some sunshine and spring days. The rain has been great, but the gloom gets to me.

YTT was fun this weekend. My arthritic shoulder is better due, I think, to the shoulder openings Patrick and I do when we Zoom Jason Cull's wall class. I am able to do jumpbacks and plank a bit more than in past weeks. We worked on sequencing and teaching postures. It it somewhat intimidating, but lots of fun, too.

I wonder if YTT adds to my patience and grace with my mother?

Maybe I have mentioned this before, but we practice at SW's fab house that overlooks a rainwater pond. The waterfowl are quite busy and we sometimes stop practice to see what all the flapping and honking is about. There are also cuteness alerts when the mama duck floats by with her chicks. There is one goose who is the avian version of Trump who attacks the ducks and will also pontificate loudly to himself on one side of the pond.

Vera Paris could take on the Trumpgoose.

My sistrah, Susan U, sent out the Peter Gabriel video In Your Eyes, from days of yore. The video clip is difficult to watch due to overall datedness, but damn the song holds out just fine. Here's the version from the Secret World tour. So much passion and spirituality here, it could be a Van Morrison song. Peter makes me want to dance. (Here's another version.) Also, brings tears to my eyes. It is difficult to imagine the Rosanna Arquette was worthy of this song.

IN YOUR EYES

Love I get so lost, sometimes
Days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
When I want to run away
I drive off in my car
But whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

All my instincts, they return
And the grand facade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete
In your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
In your eyes

The resolution of all the fruitless searches
In your eyes
I see the light and the heat
In your eyes
Oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
The heat I see in your eyes

Love, I don't like to see so much pain
So much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

And all my instincts, they return
And the grand facade, so soon will burn
Without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

In your eyes
The light the heat
In your eyes
I am complete